-ISH
by RetiredFromFanfiction2016
Summary: A secret...a crime...a death...a life...the unexpected shifts everything in unimaginable ways. A Bensidy-ish, Bensler-ish story of love, loss, joy, pain, and the reality that comes when faced with it all.
1. Chapter 1

**I swear I've never done this before, and while I am apprehensive about doing it now, I just needed to do it. I have never attempted to write more than one story at a time, but as much as I love** ** _Conceivable_** **, with all of my personal issues regarding fertility it is just getting too emotional for me to focus all my writing time on. So, this story came to me...and it is something different that I think will take my mind off my own life and let me just be expressive instead. I have not stopped writing** ** _Conceivable_** **...I promise. I will update it soon. I just needed to shift my focus to a different type of story for a bit.**

 **So, that brings us to this story. I outlined the entire thing complete with a synopsis for each chapter (which I never do) so I know exactly how it will play out and how long it will be (20ish chapters, which is short for me.) It may have a different feel than my other stories, but that is intentional. I'll warn you now that it has character death, lots of drama, pain and suffering...but some joy as well. Bensidy fans...there are moments for you. Bensler fans...there will be moments for you too. It is NOT a story where Liv has to choose between the two or one wins out over the other...because well...things happen.**

 **Now that I've written an author's note that could compete in length with the actual chapter, I'll let you judge for yourself. I hope you'll read and review! Thanks!**

She stared into his eyes, taken back to the time when all she'd ever wanted was to come home from a long day at work and get lost in them. How long had it been? Over a year maybe since the last time she'd seen him. She knew they both worked for NYPD, that he hadn't left New York when they'd split, but she had never sought him out. The final Lewis ordeal…that was the last time she'd seen him. The hospital had called him while she was sitting in the examination room with her face covered in Lewis's blood and she insisted she didn't want him to come. She was fine. Later than night he'd shown up at the apartment and she'd reluctantly let him in and after a long talk it was clear they'd never be back to the way they once were, and they were both okay with it, but she also knew she craved his presence when she was scared or alone and she had to fight those urges, so she just made herself push on without ever contacting him and that had worked well for her…until now.

"What're you doing here?" she asked, and as he pulled her into an awkward hug her whole body tensed.

"I knew IAB was investigating Nick's sudden departure from SVU and I figured you'd prefer to deal with me than Tucker," Brian said, releasing her from the hug. "How've you been, Liv?"

"I'm fine," she cleared her throat, taking a few steps back as the scent of his cologne filled the area around her and made her feel weak in the knees. "There is nothing to investigate. He was shot and Tucker already said Nick was going nowhere in the department…he decided leaving was in his best interest. I can't say I disagree with him."

"You know we have to look into things though," Brian said, taking a seat in her office and she closed her door and sat down next to him.

"I would have been fine with Tucker," she sighed and Brian's eyes widened.

"Really?" he gave a smirk, "I've heard the two of you are _close-ish_ now. Care to share how that happened?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she said, sitting at her desk and staring angrily at him.

"You and Tucker," Brian offered. "All of IAB is abuzz about it…you two going out, having drinks…maybe more…"

"What the hell?" Olivia sputtered. "I had drinks with him a couple of times and that was it. There is nothing going on with us. I don't have time to see anyone anyway…not with Noah and my job here."

"How is the little guy?" Brian couldn't help but smile. He knew how much having a child meant to Olivia. He wished he had felt the same way, because ultimately it was what broke them up. "He's what? Two now?"

"Not quite…he's a year and a half," she picked up a photo from her desk and handed it to him, and Brian took it, staring intently at the picture.

"He's adorable," he smiled, handing it back to her. "I can tell he makes you happy."

"He does," she agreed, sitting the photo back on her desk. "But Bri…I swear…Tucker and me…that was never a thing…it wouldn't have happened even if I didn't have to get home to Noah most nights. Where did you hear something like that anyway?"

"Straight from the horse's mouth," Brian said seriously and Olivia couldn't believe her ears. "You should stay away from him, Liv. I don't trust him…" his voice lowered to a cautious whisper.

"He's harmless," she sighed, "But I'll make sure he knows we have nothing in common, okay?"

Brian stood up and leaned against her desk, "What do you day we go out to dinner and finish up this paperwork on Nick? My treat…"

"I don't think so," Olivia reached for her bag, shoving in the papers she needed to work on at home. "I need to get home."

"Please…" he said more seriously. "I'd like to talk…but not here…" he smiled. "We could go to that little bistro you like. Come on…you can't say no to pasta."

"Bri…you and me…" she said seriously. "We don't have anything in common either…you know that, right?"

"Just a working dinner," he insisted. "Nothing more…"

She nodded, "Okay…working dinner…"

Dinner had gone remarkably well. Olivia had called home to check on Noah and Lucy assured her he was fine and she didn't mind staying late so Olivia could enjoy a rare night out. She looked at her watch as she stood on the curb outside the restaurant and tried to hail a cab. Noah was already asleep she was sure. She hated to miss putting him to bed, but she had relished in some adult conversation and the glass of wine at dinner. It made her feel like a woman again, instead of a cop or a mom. Brian put his arm around her, and she turned to look at him. "I'll see you home," he offered and even though she wanted to tell him she didn't need him to, she just nodded.

The ride home was a quiet one. Neither of them seemed in the mood for small talk, and soon they exited the cab and made their way up to her apartment. She invited him in for a drink and he took her up on it. She said a quick good-bye to Lucy and peeked her head in on Noah before settling on the sofa with a bottle of beer for each of them and Brian by her side. "The place looks different," he said, with a slight chuckle at the toys scattered all over the floor. He picked up a teddy bear from the spot next to him and stared at it. "Are you happy?" he asked. "Happier now…than you were with me?"

"I'm happy," she admitted. "I needed my son, Brian. He saved me…"

"And I never could," he said knowingly.

"I loved you," she said honestly. "But we didn't want the same things…you know that…you didn't want this…" she looked around the room at the colorful mess and smiled. "And this makes me happy…it would've made you crazy…"

"You're right about that. Kids are…I don't know…I just don't know how people do what we do all day and then come home to this little person who is so innocent, knowing there is so much to lose." he said with a serious sadness. "But I loved you, Liv. Even though I didn't want a baby with you…I loved you. I still love you…"

"I still love you too," she said, a hint of sorrow in her voice. "Bri…you should go…"

He didn't move from his spot on the sofa, but instead leaned in and took her face in his hands, kissing her softly on the lips. "I don't want to go…" he whispered, and he knew from her reaction that she didn't really want him to either. "Let's go to your room…" he suggested, "For old time's sake…"

She shook her head, "No…Noah's in there…" she reminded him. She'd moved her son's bed in there a couple of months prior when he'd been sick with the measles and she wanted him as close to her as possible and she never bothered to move it back out. She hadn't had a reason to think she'd need to share her room with anyone other than her baby anytime soon.

"Oh…" he said, pulling away from her with an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry…I don't know what I was thinking…you were right…I should go…" He started to stand up, but she grabbed him and kissed him harder than before.

"No…stay," she gave a mischievous grin. "We can do it here…" she laughed and pushed him down on the sofa with more force than he expected and situated herself on top of him. "For old time's sake…" she chuckled.

"We don't have to…" he was almost out of breath from her forcefulness and he knew if she didn't call things off quickly he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

"I want to," she said, tugging at the buckle of his belt and he surprised her by flipping their entwined bodies so she was under him instead of on top, and she cringed when one of Noah's toys poked her from behind, "Ouch…" she squealed as the toy squeaked underneath her.

Brian pulled away from her, laughing at the comedy of errors, "This is ridiculous…" he teased. "Maybe I should go after all…this isn't what I had in mind…"

"No…don't," she reached behind her and grabbed the toy, a plastic doll with a squeaky belly and tossed is aside. "Please don't go…" She unbuttoned her blouse and threw it on the floor, smiling at the way his eyes shifted over every inch of her bare skin. "I want this…" and she did want it. How long had it been since she'd had sex with anyone? Longer than she could remember, and in a matter of seconds he was back on top of her and she was filled with more emotions than she knew how to handle. "You want this too…right?" she asked in a breathy whisper, but she couldn't make out his answer as he nibbled against her neck.

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"Mama…no…" the little boy's voice quivered as Olivia put a bowl of cereal in front of him. He was going through a stubborn streak lately and "no" was his favorite word.

"You have to eat," she said calmly, but her son wasn't going to give in and pushed the bowl away. Olivia caught it just before it toppled off the high chair tray and onto the floor. "Noah…" she sighed. "Mommy wants you to eat your cereal…"

"No…" the baby screamed and his face reddened to the point that Olivia knew a full-blown tantrum was about to ensue. "Noooooo…" he cried and she gave up, putting the bowl on the counter and watching her son melt down before her eyes.

Brian sat up at the sound of the baby's cries and looked around, noticing the way Olivia tried to soothe her son's tears. She was a good mother. He'd always know she would be. Back when they used to enjoy each other's company as a random hook-up here and there, he'd let himself think about the future with her. He could see their little house with the white picket fence and the two kids, a boy and a girl. He'd let himself dream about it back then…when he was young and dumb. Too bad she didn't want the same thing all those years ago or they'd both probably be in a very different place right now. By the time she was ready for a family, he had grown out of that dream and while he wanted her, he couldn't deny her the life she wanted. If it hadn't been for that damn pregnancy scare he wasn't sure she'd have even come to the conclusion that she wanted a child…and he still regretted his reaction to that.

"Noah…are you ready to eat your cereal now?" Olivia's voice showed a slight hint of frustration, but Noah's cries subsided and when she put the bowl in front of him he started to eat. "That's my good boy," she smiled.

"Liv…" Brian said, standing up from the sofa where he'd slept for the night, Olivia insisting it would scare Noah to wake up and find a stranger in his mother's bed. He didn't mind it though. He could sleep anywhere…especially after she'd worn him out. "I should be going…" He grabbed his jeans from the floor and slipped them on.

"No…" she said quickly. "I want you to meet Noah." She motioned for him to join her in the kitchen and he shuffled across the floor, pulling on his t-shirt along the way. "Noah…" she smiled. "This is Mommy's friend, Brian…" she looked at Brian, "This is my son…" she said, her face beaming with pride.

"He's cute, Liv," Brian said, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He'd never seen her quite so proud, so excited, as happy as she was in that moment showing off this little boy that was her pride and joy. "He's a lucky kid."

"Thanks," she grinned, grabbing a towel and cleaning up the spills Noah left on his tray. "I'm a lucky mom…he's been such a blessing to me…"

"Do you have coffee?" he asked, taking a seat at one of the bar stools and Olivia nodded, and grabbed a cup. He took it from her, "I'll get it…I still remember my way around this kitchen" he said, leaning forward and giving her an awkward peck on the cheek. It wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if she hadn't pulled away from him so quickly, looking shamefully at her son. "I'm sorry…" he said. "You don't want me to kiss you in front of him?"

"I don't want him to get the wrong idea," she admitted sheepishly.

"The wrong idea?" he rolled his eyes. "Liv, he's a baby. He doesn't know I fucked you senseless last night any more than he knows Elmo is a puppet with some jerk's hand up his ass…"

"Gee, thanks for that Bri," she cringed. "You could watch your language you know. He picks up everything."

"I'm sorry…" he said seriously, and he truly was. "I didn't mean to…I'm just not used to being around little kids."

"I read that when single moms are dating, it can be complicated for children to understand and sometimes they get attached to people who won't be around long…" she explained. "So I just don't want him to see you here, see us kiss…and be confused…"

"You asked me to stay and meet him," he reminded her as he sat back down and took a sip of his coffee. "I can leave…"

"I know…I mean…no, you don't have to leave," she ran her fingers through her hair anxiously. "I just don't want Noah to see men traipsing in and out of here and think it's okay…"

"You have men in and out of here a lot?" Brian asked.

"No," she lowered her head. "No one really…not since Noah came into my life…but he was really close to Nick and now he's gone…"

"Nick?" Brian asked. "Were you two…?" he wasn't sure how to ask the question.

"Of course not," she sputtered. "He's a friend…but he was really there for Noah…you know, as an uncle figure…and well, Noah misses him since he left." She looked at her son who was playing with his sippy cup. "I miss him. As much as I love my son, I wonder sometimes how it will be for a boy growing up without a father-figure in his life. I feel guilty sometimes."

"Can't Fin be his surrogate uncle?" Brian asked.

"Sure…but he's usually busy doing whatever it is he does," she laughed. "I'm sorry…this isn't really any of your concern. I just don't want Noah forming attachments to people and losing them…it hurts…and I don't want to put him through that."

"Okay…" Brian said, and he really did understand. Whatever they'd had between them, she obviously believed it was gone now, and while he was thrilled with the idea of an occasional hook-up now and then, he could understand that she wasn't at that point in her life anymore. He put his cup in the sink, "I'm gonna go…it was nice to meet you little one," he tousled Noah's hair as he walked by and the little boy screamed. "Guess that's my cue to get the hell out," he teased.

Olivia followed him to the door, "Bri…wait…" he stopped and turned to her. "Last night…" she said with a glimmer in her eye. "It was great…I've really missed you. It was nice to have a grown up dinner and adult conversation…and…"

"I've missed you too," he leaned forward, kissing her forehead and giving a wink. "We'll do it again soon…" he smiled. "Going to dinner, I mean…"

She laughed, "Yeah…we should _go to dinner_ again soon." The she opened the door and waved good-bye as he walked down the hall. She turned back to the kitchen where Noah was pounding his high chair tray in a desperate attempt to gain her attention. "I'm coming little man," she smiled. "Mommy's coming…" She walked back to the kitchen and cleaned up his mess, "What do you say we move your bed out of Mommy's room today, huh?" she kissed her son and took him out of his highchair, sitting him carefully on the floor.

"Catch Mama…" he yelled as he ran off toward the bedroom and she chased after him.

 **Chapter 2 is written, but I'm going to try to stay a step ahead on this one...so it'll be up soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the reviews and PMs. All you Brian haters, I appreciate you giving this a chance. I am not a Bensidy fan, but I did watch several episodes to try to give him a fair shake in this story. Sometimes we are all too hard on him.**

 **Elliot fans...hang in there. He'll be making an appearance soon. Not in this chapter...but soon. I promise!**

 **Enjoy chapter 2 and I look forward to your thoughts.**

 ** _6 Months Later…_**

Olivia walked down the hall of Brian's dingy apartment building. They'd agreed to occasional get-togethers, that over the past few months had become more and more frequent. Sometimes she would meet up with him at his apartment if they both had a free lunch break and other times she ended up stopping by on her way home from work as long as she wasn't running too late. If he was working late or off on an assignment he always tried to let her know before she made the trip to his place, and so they were averaging a couple of times a week now. It wasn't the relationship they'd had before, but she had to admit it was nice…freeing. When they'd broken up Brian mentioned he thought they had more fun hooking up than they did living together, and after all they'd been through during their years together, she believed he was right. It was refreshing to just have fun with him, and she had no desire to take it any further.

Today she'd had a miserable day at work that started with her being late because Noah's daycare drop-off had taken a turn for the worse when he was moved to the two year old class for the first time and tantrumed at the sight of his new teacher, and ended with one of her detectives dropping a huge bombshell that she wasn't sure how to deal with yet. She was frustrated as she took out the key Brian had given her and unlocked his door, expecting to wait for him a while. The key stuck in the lock and she shimmied it, "Damn this whole day," she yelled as the key finally turned and the door pushed open. "Fucking pregnancy hormones…how the hell am I supposed to deal with that in the squad room everyday?" She looked up from her mindless chatter to see Brian sitting on his couch with a beer, his eyes widened in surprise.

" _What did you say_?" he asked, his face pale and nervous. "Did you say _pregnancy_ hormones?"

"What?" she shook her head. "Yeah…this day…"

"You're pregnant?" he swallowed the lump in his throat and stared up and down her body for any sign that would clear up what she was saying. "Liv…"

"No…" she laughed a little. "I'm not pregnant, Bri…but it's nice to know you haven't changed your stance on that subject."

"You're not…pregnant? You're not...you're sure?" he asked again, the relief apparent in his voice. "Then why are you rambling about dealing with pregnancy hormones?"

"Not _my_ pregnancy hormones," she said, flopping down on the couch beside him and laying her head on his shoulder. "Rollins…she walked into my office today and told me she's pregnant. Then she started bawling because she doesn't want it to ruin her career and when I tried to calm her down she blamed it on her pregnancy hormones. God…this is gonna be a mess...can you believe her?"

Brian shrugged, "I guess…I mean she's young and maybe she really wants a family."

Olivia's eyes narrowed questioningly, "Are you serious? She's a mess. She can't handle a kid…there's no way. Plus she's already sixteen weeks pregnant and she didn't say a damn thing until now. For four months she's been out there working cases and putting her kid in danger…and she's not saying who the father is but I have my suspicions and she isn't going to tell him."

"Who do you think the father is?" Brian asked.

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Nick…it has to be Nick."

"Nick?" Brian laughed, "Liv…he's been in California for six months."

"They were seeing each other before," she told him. "They thought I didn't know…but I did. She went out there to see him a few times since he left…I mean, I assume that's where she went. She asked for time off to visit a friend. She should tell him. It's not right. She is going to just go on like everything is fine and he's not even going to know he has a child, Brian. He's my friend and I can't tell him because it would be a violation of her privacy and I'd be overstepping as commanding officer. But, I can't imagine that she'd be a great parent on her own."

"You've got to be kidding me. This really isn't any of your business." he snickered. "People could've said the same about you, Liv, before Noah. And maybe she's not ready for a baby, but I don't think anyone is until they have one. Hell…I wouldn't be ready for a kid, but if it ever happened I'd pull my shit together."

"Really?" Olivia shook her head. "So we'll just forget your reaction when we thought I was pregnant a couple years ago. You didn't really pull your shit together then."

"I didn't have to," he reminded her. "There was no baby."

"Yeah, I know...you really dodged a bullet," she sighed, standing to her feet. "I have to get home…"

"What? Why?" Brian stood up and grabbed her, turning her toward him. "Are you mad at me? Liv, look…no more baby talk. It always causes a wedge between us and we've been having fun. You've been having fun, right?"

"Yeah…" she leaned into him and he pulled her into a hug, "I'm sorry, Bri…it was just a really rough day and Noah was a mess at daycare and then this thing with Rollins. I'm down a detective now and they never replaced Nick. Fin and Carisi can't take care of everything…I'm so tired," She kept her head resting against his chest and he ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her softly on the head.

"It's okay…" he whispered. "I think it's that damn lieutenant's exam. You've been studying for it day and night and you've wiped yourself out. At least it'll be over tomorrow."

"Maybe I shouldn't take it," she suggested, although they both knew it was an empty threat. "Maybe I should be out working in the field more and I should let some other jackass run things."

"Maybe you shouldn't take it," he teased. "I don't like you outranking me anyway…"

She laughed, "I already outrank you."

"I know…" he kissed her. "That's why I let you give the orders around here."

"Oh really?" she kissed him and pulled him toward the bedroom. "I only have a few minutes…so let's get started on those orders." Suddenly he swooped her up in his arms and she squealed with surprise and giggled as he carried her into the bedroom. She felt like a teenager again…and it seemed that he was the only one who could bring that out in her.

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The next day she surpassed the trip to Brian's and went straight home. She was exhausted, having spent the day taking the lieutenant's exam and thrilled that it was finally over, but her whole body was tense and tired to the point that she just wanted a hot bath and snuggle time with her little boy. So when she pushed open the door and he ran to her, jumping into her arms it was the most delightful feeling in the world. She'd said good-bye to Lucy and ordered Thai noodles, changed into comfy sweats and pulled Noah onto the sofa with his favorite book and she was yawning as she read through it time after time, but it felt nice…peaceful. She was glad to be home.

The knock at the door startled them both as they were so caught up in the book. "Mama…get it," Noah laughed and she smiled at him and sat the book down beside him.

"It's our noodles…they're early…" she said walking to the door.

"Yum," Noah shouted after her and she laughed as she pulled the door open, expecting the delivery person.

"Brian?" she asked with surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Mama…noodles…" Noah was at her side, tugging at her shirt and she bent down and picked him up.

"No noodles yet, buddy…" she said, situating him on her hip and turning her attention back to Brian. "Is something going on?" she asked.

"Can I come in?" he asked and she moved so he could walk into the apartment, and they went to the sofa and sat down, Brian wringing his hands and Olivia sitting Noah in her lap.

"What's going on?" she asked. "I thought you were working tonight?"

"He's getting big," Brian forced a weak smile at Noah. "How're you, little man? Keeping your mama busy?" Noah snuggled closer to his mother and Brian sighed, "Liv…I need to talk to you…"

"Noah, why don't you go play with your blocks until the food is here," Olivia suggested, sitting him down on the floor and he ran off to his toy box. Then she looked seriously at Brian, "What's wrong?" she asked nervously.

"Liv…" he looked at the floor and then back at her, "Have you talked to Tucker? Did you tell him about us?"

Olivia was confused. "Why would I tell him about us?" she asked. "I didn't think there really was an _us_ anyway…remember…we're just having fun."

"I'm being serious," he said with a sternness that worried her. "Liv…he knows about us. He told me to stay away from you or he was going to start an investigation into inappropriate conduct and that he'd keep you from becoming lieutenant. He meant it."

"He can't do that," Olivia seemed to dismiss his concerns. "He's just messing with you, Bri. Maybe he's a little jealous, but he has no power here. We're not doing anything wrong. I outrank you, but I'm not your commanding officer…he is. Besides, even if you did work for me…our relationship goes back years…way before I was promoted and they have to honor that."

"Liv…you're not hearing me," he looked at her son playing across the room and then back to her. "I'm not sure it's safe for us to keep seeing each other…just for fun or not…"

"Brian…I'm not scared of Tucker," she said seriously. "What's this really about?"

"It's about Tucker," he insisted. "Liv, you don't see everything I do every day. Trust me on this…I've been looking into things and I can't get into it, but just know you can't trust him."

"Then why don't you just tell me what you've been looking into," she argued. "Maybe I can help."

"I'm not dragging you into this," he sighed, as the knock on the door interrupted their conversation.

"Noodles, Mama…" Noah dropped his blocks and ran to the door and Olivia went to answer it, paying for the food and carrying it into the kitchen.

She sat Noah in his high chair, carefully cutting up some noodles on his plate and looked back at Brian, "Come eat with us," she offered.

"It's okay…I should go," he said, standing to his feet.

"Come on Bri…after dinner I'll put Noah to bed and we can talk more," she suggested.

"All right," he agreed, walking to the kitchen and she divided the rest of the noodles onto two plates, handing one to him. He took a bite and smiled, "These are good…" he looked at Noah with sauce on his face and a noodle stuck to his chin, "He likes them."

"I've been wanting these all day," Olivia said, taking quick bites while Brian looked at her and chuckled. "What," she asked between bites. "I'm starving…"

"You just look cute," he winked. "I don't get to see this side of you very often…the hair up, sweats on, eating like a pig side of you."

"I'm not eating like a pig," she put down her fork. "I didn't eat today. I was so nervous about the test…I just felt sickish. I think I might have an ulcer of something."

"I doubt Thai food will help with that," he said.

"You're probably right," she agreed, scraping the rest of her food on his plate and taking her plate to the kitchen. "My stomach already feels a little weird."

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," she smiled. "I'm fine." She cleaned up Noah's mess and took him out of the highchair and went to get him ready for bed.

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"You did the dishes," Olivia put her arms around Brian's waist as he dried the final plate and stuck it in the cabinet. "You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to help," he twisted around and kissed her softly on the lips. "I miss having a nice kitchen to work in."

"You miss doing dishes?" she asked. "Feel free to come here and do them whenever you want. My kitchen…is your kitchen."

"Technically…this whole place is mine," Brian joked. "I noticed the other day that I never changed my address on my license. Guess I should get on that."

"You're supposed to do that within fourteen days of moving," she reminded him. "It's been over a year. Maybe I should write you a ticket."

"Is that a threat?" he grabbed her and tickled her while she laughed. "I bet I can find a way to pay you off…"

"You could try," she pulled away from his grasp.

Is Noah asleep?" he asked.

"Yep," Olivia grinned. "He is all tucked in and already snoring. Is it normal for a two year old to snore? I swear…his snoring could rival yours…" she laughed.

"I don't snore," he teased.

"Yeah right," Olivia laughed. "I can handle it though…I just jab you in the ribs and you usually stop."

"Is that why I wake up with bruises anytime we sleep together?" he asked with a chuckle.

"You wanna stay tonight?" she asked. "I promise not to bruise you."

"What about Noah?" he asked. "You said you didn't like me staying over because he might get the wrong idea."

"I know," she agreed. "But he's little…you were right…he won't know and sometimes I just think it'd be nice to spend the night here instead of me sneaking over to your apartment at random times for a quickie."

Brian laughed, "A quickie? So what…you want a nice, long night of passion. Is that it?"

"Maybe," she said, walking into the living room and they both sat down on the sofa, curled up together. "Maybe I just want _this_ all night…that's one thing I've missed since we were together…having someone to cuddle up to all night."

"We hardly ever had all night together anyway," he reminded her. "I was always undercover."

"But we had some nights," she added. "And they were nice."

"Liv…we agreed that hooking up once in a while was better for us," he said seriously. "Us together…as a couple…you're the one who said that would never work."

"We both said it," she argued.

"Okay, we both said it," he agreed. "But are you starting to change your mind? Because if you are…"

"No," she rubbed her hand over the back of his neck, "I just want our hook ups to last longer than an hour sometimes…that's all…don't worry…"

"I'm not worried," he assured her. "I just don't want us to be on different pages as far as our relationship goes." He held her close and took in the intoxicating scent of her hair. "I can stay tonight…if that's what you want."

"That's what I want," she insisted.

"I thought you weren't feeling very good though," he added.

She shrugged, "I'm just tired and the Thai food didn't agree with me at dinner…I'll be okay."

"We could just cuddle and sleep," he offered. "We don't have to have sex…"

"You don't want to?" she asked.

Brian laughed, "I always want to…" he smiled. "But if you don't feel good…I mean I'm not just here for sex, Liv…I'm here to be with you."

"Thanks…" she kissed him and his phone buzzed, forcing him to take his attention off of her.

"Damn…" he groaned.

"Just like old times..." she sighed, already knowing he was going to leave.

"It's Tucker…" he sighed. "He wants to see me. Says he has an assignment and I should pack a bag."

"Bri…if you're worried about him…maybe you shouldn't go," she suggested.

"I have to," he argued. "I'll be careful…I just have to stick it out a while longer until I get all the information I need."

"Brian…what do you have on Tucker?" she asked again. "If you'd just tell me, I think I can help."

"No…" he said, grabbing his jacket and kissing her good-bye. "Just stay away from him, Liv. I mean it. I'll fill you in when I can." He kissed her once more, "You get some sleep…I'll call you tomorrow…let you know when I might be back."

"He didn't even say where he was sending you?" she asked. "Brian…"

"I'll be fine," he promised. "I'll be back before you notice I'm gone." He gave her one more peck on the cheek, "Feel better, okay…" and then walked out the door.

 **I'll post chapter 3 soon. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the nice reviews! They definitely motivate me to try to make this story the best it can be. I am sorry to all the** ** _Conceivable_** **fans. I am working on the next chapter...I promise. It will updated as soon as I can get the chapter done. It's about half-way there. This one is just coming more easily for me lately for some reason.**

 **Anyway...I hope this chapter makes up for my lack of posting. I am back at work now, so I don't have any writing time. So annoying that I have to work for a living instead of writing fanfiction all day.**

 **Enjoy!**

 _ **The Next Morning…**_

The alarm seemed to go off forever before Olivia found the energy to reach over and push the button, forcing it's silence. She rolled over and stared at the clock, groaning when she realized it was time to wake up and not some random glitch in the clock that made it go off. She sat up, grabbing her glasses from the nightstand and looking at the clock once more. "Damn…" she sighed, pulling her tired body out of bed and paddling down the hall toward the bathroom.

A while later, she emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, her hair handing in wet ringlets down her neck. She opened her closet and sighed at the rows of clothes hanging in front of her. She didn't feel like wearing any of them. Everything felt uncomfortable lately…not too tight, but just bothersome. She wished she could go to work in sweats or yoga pants, but that wasn't an option so she grabbed some black slacks and slipped them on, buttoning them at the waist and mentally promising herself that she'd start eating better and working out again now that the lieutenant's exam was over. No excuses. She put her hand on her stomach and exhaled slowly, "I need this feeling to go away," she moaned. She didn't want to go to the doctor, but if the constant ache in her stomach didn't end soon she'd have no choice.

She walked into the next room, kneeling down and gently shaking Noah awake. He looked up at her with bright eyes and she smiled, amazed at how cheerful he was first thing in the morning. "Good morning," she picked him up and kissed him and she grinned back at her.

"Hungry Mama…" he said in his tiny voice, and she carried him into the kitchen and made him a bowl of cereal. "Yummy…" Noah giggled between bites and Olivia smiled. He was so grown up now and she couldn't help but tear up a little thinking about it. She couldn't imagine her life without this little person in it. "Mama…you eat…" Noah's voice brought her back from her thoughts and she poured some cereal for herself and took a bite.

"Mmmmm," she said with a wink, and Noah laughed while they finished their breakfast.

An hour later Olivia walked into the precinct, having left Noah at daycare, and dropped her bag on her desk. She looked at her phone, wondering why Brian hadn't called her yet. When he'd left the night before he promised to call and tell her where he was going and when he might be back. She knew they weren't in a serious relationship, but she could admit she missed him when he was gone. Plus his concerns over Tucker left her feeling nervous and unsure. She quickly scrolled through her contacts until she saw his name, and clicked it, waiting through the rings on the other end and rolling her eyes when his voicemail picked up. "Hey Bri, it's me," she sighed. "You never called…I guess I just wanted to check on you. I hope you made it wherever you were heading. Call me, okay." Then she turned on her computer and started on the mounds of paperwork she had to finish by the end of the day.

Around noon she heard her door squeak open and looked up, ready to argue with whomever had opened it without knocking, shocked to see Ed Tucker standing in front of her. "You don't knock?" she asked, trying not to look as intimidated as she felt.

"Didn't think I had to," he smirked, walking in and closing the door behind him. He sat down in front of her desk and smiled, "How have you been, Olivia? Things going well for you?"

"Things are fine," she said, taking a deep breath. "What do you want?"

"I thought maybe we could go to lunch," he suggested. "I need to talk to you about a personnel issue…and I'd rather not do it here."

"I'm not going to lunch with you," she said quickly. "You need to talk to me about one of my employees, you can do it right here. Is this about Rollins? Her pregnancy? Because I can assure you she's on desk duty and Carisi and Fin and I will pick up the slack until we find someone else to join the squad."

"Rollins is pregnant?" Tucker asked. "No…it's not about her. It's about you…and trust me…you want to have this conversation in private."

"This is private enough," Olivia felt her voice quiver and she knew he'd heard it as well when he smiled. "What's the issue?"

"Cassidy didn't tell you?" he asked, knowing full-well that he had.

"Tell me what?" Olivia tried to sound like she wasn't covering something and she knew she was failing. If only Brian had told her what he had on Tucker. Right now she wasn't sure what to say. "Why would Brian tell me anything?"

"Don't give me that," Tucker stood up and walked over to her side of the desk, towering over her and looked down. She stood up quickly, staring him in the eye and he put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it a little too tight, "I know about you two…and it stops…now…"

"Get your hands off me," she grabbed his wrist and flung his arm. "And I don't know what you think you know…but there is nothing going on with me and Brian. And if there was, it would be none of your damn business."

"Oh trust me…" Tucker's eyes squinted with rage. "Everything is my business…and I will take care of it. If I were you, I'd stay away from him. He's a trouble-maker…and you don't want to be in the middle of his mess."

"And you…" Olivia's voice deepened with seriousness, "You don't want to mess with me."

Tucker laughed, reaching out and brushing her cheek with his hand, "Believe me," he sneered. "I'd never mess with you unless you wanted me to…" he winked at her and walked to the door.

Olivia watched him walk away, her body shaking and the taste of bile burning the back of her throat. She grabbed the waste basket by her desk and vomited, completely sickened by Tucker's visit. Her phone rang and she grabbed it, seeing Brian's name on the caller ID and answering it, "Bri…" she said, swallowing the sick lump in her throat and trying to hold in her fearful tears, "Where are you?"

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It was barely midnight, and the dark sky was lit with the bright flashing of police lights. The usually silent alleyway was plagued with sirens and voices, while a nervous crowd huddled around and stared at the scene before them. "What've we got?" a detective made his way through the crowd and ducked under the yellow police tape, walking up to his younger partner and looked at the crime scene with disgust. "This guy didn't stand a chance, did he?" He asked, staring down at the bloodied corpse.

"Nah…" the young detective looked at his partner. "Guy comes from out of town looking for a good time, and this is what he gets." He shook his head. "This strip club's been trouble since it opened here last summer. The folks in town are gonna have a fit over this."

"I doubt this has anything to do with the club," he looked at the body, face down on the ground with bullet holes in his head and back. "This looks personal."

"Yeah, someone who personally pissed off someone at the club," the younger detective sighed. "You've been here what? Four years? How many murders have you seen in that time? Stuff like this doesn't happen here…but now that the strip club is here…we've been called out for assaults, a rape…now murder."

"Yeah, I know," he ran his hand along the back of his neck and looked around at the staring crowd. Even after four years he still wasn't used to the town…how a small crime could cause commotion that even the grisliest of murders wouldn't cause in the city. A murder…behind the strip club…this was bound to cause a wave a panic to match no other. "Any ID on the victim?" he asked.

"Yep," the young partner handed him the wallet he'd taken from the victim's pocket and shook his head, "He's from New York City…don't know why the hell he was in our neck of the woods."

"Maybe he was visiting someone. Anything in the town rumor mill about out-of-town guests," he asked, but he opened up the wallet and looked at the license and gasped. "Oh shit…"

"What?" his partner asked.

"I know this guy," he shook his head sadly. "I used to work with him…years ago...in the city."

"He's a cop?" he asked nervously. "Why would someone from NYPD be here?"

"He used to be," the older detective looked through the wallet and found nothing more than a few dollars and the license. "I don't know if he still is. God…" he exhaled slowly. "Did you find a badge…his phone…anything else?" he noticed his partner's expression change to one of panic and he assumed it was the thought of trying to solve a cop's murder. No one in this small town could ever have imagined anything like this and truthfully their small police station wasn't equipped to deal with it. "Teddy…" he asked again. "Any other personal items?"

"Nothing," Teddy shook his head. "Just the wallet. You gonna call NYPD and see if he was still on their payroll?"

"No," he flipped the body over, staring into the man's face. Though he did recognize him, he bore little resemblance to the young kid he used to work with, but he knew the years hadn't been good to him either. "Damn…" he shook his head once more. "I guess I'll go to New York…see if he has a next of kin…maybe check out his place. See if he has family there…"

"You want me to go along," Teddy offered.

"No," he shook his head. "You stay here…check with everyone who was in the club. See if anyone saw him leave with someone. Wait for the ME's report and call me with any news. I'll be back in a day or two. I want to get there and back. The last thing I need is to run into anyone I know."

"Elliot…" Teddy said anxiously. "What do you think you'll find in New York? The crime happened here…seems pointless to go there."

"If he's still a cop…and he wasn't visiting someone here in town…" he sighed. "Then maybe he was on assignment. I know he used to work undercover a lot. He was a good cop…I doubt he was here for pleasure."

"What're you gonna tell his family?" Teddy asked.

"I don't know," Elliot answered. "Last time I saw him, he didn't have one. As far as I know, he could still be single. This is a Manhattan address though…kind of upscale. I just hope I can find the right words to break this to whoever is waiting for him to come home," he looked down at the body. "I hate this part of the job."

"Yeah," his partner said. "It's hard. Good luck."

He walked to his car, heading home to pack a bag. By morning, Elliot Stabler would be back in New York.

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Olivia was sitting on the edge of her bed pulling on her shoes when she heard the knock on the door. "Can you get that, Lucy?" she called into the next room where the nanny was playing with Noah. Since daycare was closed for the day, Olivia was grateful Lucy was dependable in a pinch. Normally Olivia would have been at work by now, but she'd tossed and turned all night thinking about the visit from Tucker the day before and her talk with Brian afterward. He'd told her he was on the verge of proving his suspicions about Tucker, and he'd been furious when Olivia told him about Tucker harassing her. He promised her that he'd take care of everything, and she knew he'd try. After thinking about all of it for most of the night, she'd overslept and woke up feeling like she'd been hit by a truck, so she was moving slowly this morning. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so sluggish. She just wanted Brian to get home. She needed to know he was safe and sound.

Lucy walked to the door, Noah situated on her hip and looked through the peep hole. She didn't recognize the man on the other side, so she didn't open the door. "Can I help you?" she asked instead.

"I need to speak with you please," he said, holding up his badge so she could see it through the peep hole and she opened the door. He looked at the young girl, carrying a child who couldn't have been more than two and he hated to break their hearts. "Are you Mrs. Cassidy?" he asked gently.

Lucy looked confused, "Who?" she asked. "I'm not sure who you're looking for. Maybe you have the wrong apartment."

"Do you know a Brian Cassidy?" he asked, relieved that this woman and little boy hadn't just lost the love of their lives, but wondering why this was the address in Brian's wallet.

"Yes, I've met him…" Lucy said, her face dropping as she realized he was there with bad news. "Uhm…let me get…my boss. She's in the bedroom. I'm just the nanny…"

"Oh…" Elliot said, realizing he still had bad news to break. "Yes, you should get her."

Lucy walked into the bedroom and Olivia smiled, standing to her feet, finally ready for the day. "Who was at the door?" she asked.

"A cop," Lucy said seriously. "He needs to talk to you."

"Really?" Olivia asked. "I'm late for work one day and they send someone over here to bother me…" She walked down the hall and into the living room, seeing the back of the man's head and clearing her throat, "I'm Sergeant Benson," she said. "Lucy said you needed to see me…"

He turned around and saw her, his mouth opening without words coming out, while her face seemed to turn various shades of green. "Liv…" he finally managed to sputter, while standing to his feet, but she didn't move. "Olivia…" he said again. "Are you okay?" She looked like she might faint and he ran to her side, grabbing her arm and leading her to the sofa. "Come sit down," he insisted and she listened without comment. "Liv…I didn't mean to shock you. I didn't know you lived here…"

"Why are you here?" she managed to say, the color returning to her face. "Four years, Elliot…it's been four years…"

"I know," he said. "I'm sorry…"

"Why are you here?" she asked again.

"I'm head detective…in a small town about three hours from here…tiny squad in a tiny town…" he forced a sad smile. "I'm here on a case…"

"A case?" she asked. "What case? You have a case connected to Manhattan SVU?"

"Liv…" he looked at the nanny, playing in the corner with the little boy…Olivia's little boy…and he didn't want to be the one to hurt her with this news, and yet he had no choice. "Liv…you and Cassidy…"

"What?" she asked. "What did Tucker do? I told him there is nothing between me and Brian…we broke up a long time ago…Did Tucker call you? I know he's a son of a bitch...but calling my old partner..."

"This address was on Brian's license," Elliot said, not fully understanding what she was talking about.

"Because we bought this place together…but he moved out…a long time ago, he just forgot to change his address on his license. He was joking about it the other day…" she insisted. "Wait…why do you have his license?" she gasped, "Oh God…what happened? Where is he?"

"Olivia…" Elliot said seriously, but she didn't let him finish.

"No…" she shook her head eagerly and stood up from where she was sitting and he rose to look her in the eye. "No…he's fine…I just talked to him yesterday. He said he'd be home today…"

"Liv…we found his body last night…" Elliot said sadly. "I'm so sorry…"

"He's undercover," she argued, unable to accept what he was saying. "El…"she cried, and she couldn't hide from the truth any longer. Elliot pulled her into an embrace and she leaned against his chest, sobbing.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"Mama…" Noah's small voice called, worried by his mother's crying and Olivia looked down to see him standing right next to her. "Mama…don't cry…"

Lucy rushed over to get him, but Olivia knelt down and picked him up, "Mommy's okay, buddy," she said, holding him close. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Liv, maybe the nanny can take him to the park or something," Elliot suggested. "So we can talk…"

She shook her head, "I have to get to work," she said, kissing Noah and handing him to Lucy.

"You're going to work?" he asked, confused. "Olivia…I just told you your ex…husband or boyfriend or whatever he was…that he died. Your son's father…"

She looked at Noah and back at Elliot, "You don't understand…"

"What?" he asked. "What don't I understand? Did he hurt you or something?"

"No…" Olivia said, anger in her voice. "He would never hurt me. God, Elliot…" she couldn't hold in her tears any longer. "I just…" she sniffled. "I can't do this now…" she cried. "I have to go to work."

"Olivia…" he tried to argue but he knew it was pointless. She was in denial and there was nothing he could do right now to bring her out of it. She'd done the same thing when her mother died. Olivia didn't grieve well. "Can you tell me where he lived? So I can take a look around…maybe find something to help explain what happened?"

She nodded, scribbling the address on a small piece of paper and handing it to him, "Wait a minute," she said, walking over to her purse and digging around until she found a key. She gave it to him, "This is the key to his place," she said. "If you find anything…will you let me know? You can call me at the precinct. I'll be there all day…I'm doing evaluations and they're due by tomorrow…"

Elliot nodded, "Liv…I think you should stay home today. This is hard news…even if you weren't together anymore…"

"Elliot," she said sadly. "Ed Tucker…Brian was working IAB with him…and he told me he had something on Tucker but he wouldn't tell me what. I think he's involved. Tucker sent him on this assignment and when Brian called me yesterday he said he was on the verge of something...I think Tucker killed him..." She didn't tell him about Tucker's visit with her the day before. She was keeping that to herself for now.

"Okay," Elliot nodded. "I'll look into it."

"Are you going to notify his mother," she asked. "Or do you think I should call her?"

"I can do it," Elliot offered. "Unless you feel like she'd rather hear it from you."

"No mother wants to hear that news from anyone," she said seriously. He watched her throw her purse over her shoulder and lean forward to kiss her son once more. "I love you baby," she said, drying her eyes. She looked so different from the way he remembered, and yet she was the same.

He missed her…he'd forgotten how much until now. "Liv…call me…if you need me or if you want to talk. I'm here if you need me."

"Yeah right," she sighed, opening the front door. "You don't return my calls…remember Elliot?" she sputtered, as she walked out the door.

 **More soon...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello all...here is a short update. I was going back and forth between this one and** ** _Conceivable_** **today, and again this one just came to me so much more easily. I feel so bad because people keep asking me to update** ** _Conceivable_** **and I swear to you I will...it's just taking me some time.**

 **I hope this update will make up for not updating the other one in so long. Sorry it is so short, but the next chapter is longer. I just can't post it yet. Enjoy!**

 ** _An Hour Later…_**

Olivia stepped off the elevator, attempting to ignore the rest of the squad as she made her way to her office, but it was impossible. Fin and Rollins were arguing over something and of course they expected her to fix it, and even though she knew they were talking to her, their words were nothing more than a jumbled mess in her mind. "Just deal with it!" she yelled, forcing her way past them while they both stared after her completely confused. She pulled open the door to her office, slamming it behind her and letting herself collapse into her chair, her head in her hands while she tried unsuccessfully to hold in her tears. Maybe Elliot was right…maybe she should have stayed home.

She didn't hear the door open, but she could sense someone staring at her and looked up to see Fin's worried face. "Liv…what's going on?" he asked, closing the door and pulling the blinds so their conversation would be as private as possible. "Are you okay? Is Noah…"

"Noah's fine," she answered quickly. "I'm fine too…" she cleared her throat and motioned toward the door. "I'm sorry about that…what did you and Amanda want to talk to me about?"

"We were just arguing over whether or not interrogating perps counts as desk duty," he forced a weak smile. "She's stubborn as hell. Pregnancy hasn't softened her one bit."

"Yeah," Olivia sighed. "And you can tell her I said she isn't interrogating anyone for the next five months. She can leave that up to you and Carisi." She gently rubbed her temples, trying to relieve the headache that was quickly intensifying. "Did you need anything else?"

"Yeah," he sat down and stared intently at her. "I need you to tell me what the hell is going on?" He didn't wait for her to deny it again, "I can tell something's wrong…so don't tell me you're fine. What happened?"

She fought to hold in her tears, "Brian…" she said breathlessly. "He…he died…last night..."

"What?" Fin jumped to his feet and was at her side in seconds. "What happened? Oh Liv, I'm so sorry…"

She shook her head, "I don't know what happened. He was undercover, I think. The other night we were having dinner and Tucker called him…"

"So, you two were seeing each other again?" he asked. It didn't surprise him, but he hadn't known about it.

She nodded, "Not seriously…just every once in a while…" she looked at him and bit her lip nervously, "Brian was worried about Tucker. He said he had a way to bring him down but he wouldn't tell me what. Then yesterday Tucker showed up here making threats…"

"Threats?" Fin asked. "What did he say to you? I'll kill him…"

"Just that I needed to stay away from Brian," she sighed. "But then this morning…"

"You were notified that he died," Fin said knowingly. "Where did it happen? How?"

"Some little town I've never even heard of. They found him behind a strip club...of all places," she couldn't hold her tears in then. "I don't know if he was working…or if…maybe he was just screwing around…"

"He was working, Liv," Fin assured her. "You know that." She nodded sadly. "Do they have any leads? What did the detective say who notified you?"

"Fin," she looked sadly at him. "That's something else…the detective they sent to tell me…" she ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to settle her anxiety. "It was Elliot…he didn't know he was coming to tell me…I think he was as shocked as I was…but I can't deal with all of this right now."

"Holy shit!" Fin gasped. "What're you going to do?"

"I gave him the key to Brian's place…so he could look around," she said.

"You have your own key?" Fin asked. "So maybe you were a little closer than you let on?"

She shook her head, "We were having fun," she insisted. "That's all. Brian didn't want more than that…and neither did I." She looked at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact because she knew if Fin saw the look on her face, he'd try to console her and she'd break down. "I'm going to miss him…"

"I know," Fin took her in his arms and she cried, even though she didn't want to, and he held her close. "You want me to go over there…see if I can help Elliot…maybe get some more info on the case? Do you think Tucker's involved?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," she admitted, pulling away from the embrace and wiping her tears. "You have work to do here. This isn't an NYPD case…and it sure as hell isn't special victims…"

"It's the murder of an NYPD detective," he argued. "That makes it an NYPD case. At least let me call Elliot…you have his number?"

She shook her head, "I need you here Fin," she insisted. "We're already down a couple of detectives." She took a deep breath, "I think I'm going to take some time off…"

"Sure…" he agreed. "You should. You need some time…"

She shrugged, "I should be here."

"You should take care of yourself," he added. "I can keep things in line here. Why don't you go home?"

She nodded, "I think I will…thanks…"

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"Elliot…" she called, pushing open the door to Brian's apartment. "El…are you here?"

He walked into the room from the hallway, and gave a weak smile, "Liv…what're you doing here?"

"I…uhm…" she couldn't find the right words. "Do you need some help? I decided not to stay at work, so I can help you…if you need me…"

He walked over to her and nodded, "I can always use your help." He looked around the apartment, "Anything look out of place?"

She shook her head, glancing at a picture sitting on the end table…Brian with his arms wrapped around her…probably from a couple of years ago. She wondered when he'd put it there and why she hadn't noticed before now. "Everything looks the same…as the last time I was here…"

Elliot nodded and walked down the hall toward the bedroom and she followed him. The room was in disarray, but that wasn't unusual for Brian's bedroom. Olivia thought back to the last time she'd been there, and it had looked exactly like this. It seemed odd that it was only a couple of days ago…so much had changed since then. "This look normal to you?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah," she cleared her throat. "I mean…I guess…he never was very tidy."

Elliot put on gloves and looked through stacks of papers on the dresser and piles of clothes in the floor. He pulled up a pair of pink lace panties and smirked, "Guess Cassidy was seeing someone…" he said, seeing Olivia's face turn pale. "I'm sorry…" he said. "I know the two of you used to be together…I didn't mean to upset you…"

Olivia grabbed them from him, "They're mine," she said, shoving them into her purse. "I forgot them…the other day…I was in a hurry…" she sputtered.

"Oh…" Elliot said knowingly. "You said…you told me that you and Brian hadn't been together for a while…"

"We broke up a long time ago," she assured him. "But we still enjoyed each other's company." She sat down on the bed and looked around the room. "He just wanted me to be his random hook-up…" she let her voice trail off.

Elliot sat next to her, not touching her but letting her feel his presence. "You were more than just a hook-up to him, Liv. I know that. He was in love with you."

"How do you know that?" she sighed, brushing away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks.

"How could any guy not be in love with you?" he asked, his voice more serious than playful.

"He's gone…" she said softly. "Anytime someone loves me…anytime I love someone…they leave me."

"Liv…" he knew she was talking about him, but he wasn't sure this was the time or place for the discussion they needed to have.

"I need to get home," she stood up. "There's nothing here that will clue you into Brian's murder. You're gonna have to go back…see what you can find at the crime scene…maybe his hotel…"

"I want to talk to Tucker," Elliot said, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck.

"No…" Olivia gasped. "Don't…he's involved and I know it, but if you let him know we're onto him…it'll backfire…"

"We?" Elliot asked. "Since when is this our case?"

"It's not," she said, walking toward the door. "Just keep me posted, okay? Did you call Brian's mom?"

"Yeah," he said sadly. "Well I didn't call...I went to her house and I told her. You should give her a call."

"I will," Olivia promised. "I just need some time. I want to know what happened to him…so when I call her I'll have some answers to give."

"Liv…maybe…" he didn't know how to proceed with his suggestion. "Maybe you should come back with me. You could help…it might make you feel better to be involved…"

"I don't know," she took one more look around Brian's apartment, picking up the picture from the end table. "I miss him…already…I really did love him…"

"I know…" he pulled her into a hug and held her while she cried. He knew being so vulnerable was hard for her, and he cherished the brief moments when she let her guard down with him. "Liv…I know he loved you just as much. You know it too…"

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"You alright?" Elliot asked, driving down the highway while Olivia looked out the window. She'd been silent for almost an hour and while at first he thought she was taking time to think about all that had happened, he wondered now if she was just avoiding talking to him. After all, they hadn't seen each other in almost four years, and this wasn't the most ideal situation for a reunion.

"I'm fine," she said, clearing her throat and closing her eyes, leaning her head against the window.

"You miss Noah, huh?" he asked. She'd been reluctant to leave her son and make the three hour trip with Elliot, but eventually he'd convinced her. He needed her help. She knew Brian better than anyone, and besides, he really felt like she needed this as well. She couldn't sit home and mope. She didn't know how to grieve, so it would be better to let her work through everything instead.

"Yeah," she said, her voice shaky. "He's good though…he loves Lucy. She's amazing…"

"I never pictured you with a nanny," Elliot said truthfully. "I always knew you'd be a wonderful mother, but the live-in help…I never saw that coming…"

"She's not live-in help," Olivia argued. "She has her own place. I had to hire someone to help with Noah, though. I work all hours and I can't always pick him up from daycare. He has health problems and sometimes I need someone to stay with him during the day…" she felt like a failure defending herself to Elliot. "I try to be a good mother…I really do…"

"You are," he insisted. "I didn't mean you weren't. God, it has to be hard by yourself…and running SVU…"

"I manage," she said, closing her eyes again and exhaling slowly. "Can we stop at the next rest area?" she asked.

"Sure," he answered. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I said I'm fine," Olivia argued.

"So…you really think Tucker sent Brian on a death-mission?" Elliot asked. "Why? I mean I know he's a jackass…but why kill one of his own men…and in a place where the worst crime they've seen in decades is a kid stealing a candy bar from the local convenience store…"

"Where the hell do you live?" she asked. "Mayberry?"

"Pretty much," he laughed. "Kathy has a cousin who lives there and when I left SVU…she wanted to get out of the city…I felt like I owed her after all I'd put her through…so I agreed. Eli loves it."

"You know…I could do without the small talk," she sputtered.

"I know you're mad at me," he sighed. "And I deserve it, but Liv…I didn't want to leave the way I did, but I had no choice. I wasn't being fair to my family…or to you…"

"To me?" she shook her head. "We were just work partners…you didn't owe me anything…"

"Liv," he knew she was hurt and he didn't know how to ever fix it. "You were more than just a work partner to me…you know that…"

"El…" Olivia's voice quivered. "Stop the car. Pull over…please…"

"Liv, don't start that," he sighed. He knew she didn't want to talk about what had happened in the past, but they needed to if they were going to work together on this. "Just hear me out…when I left…"

"No, El…pull over," she yelled. Now…"

"Liv," he shook his head, "I'm not letting you out of the car in the middle of nowhere…"

"I'm gonna be sick," she gagged, putting her hand to her mouth and he quickly pulled the car over to the side of the road. She swung the door open and climbed out, bending over and vomiting on the side of the road.

Elliot jumped out of the car and ran to her side, holding her hair while she retched, "You're gonna be okay," he said, worried by her sudden bout of sickness. "I've got you…" He put his arm around her waist while she leaned into him. "You're gonna be fine…"

"I'm sorry…" she gasped, trying to steady herself on her feet. "I haven't felt well the past few days…and this whole thing with Brian…it has my stomach tied in knots…and the car ride…"

"Liv…" he interrupted her. "It's okay…"

"I'm so embarrassed," she admitted, as he helped her back into the car. "I just…" her eyes filled with tears, "I'm sorry…"

"Hey," he brushed her hair back from her face and looked into her sad eyes, "It's okay. Do you feel well enough for me to drive again, or should we rest here a while?"

"I'm okay," she insisted. "I feel okay now."

He drove down the road, taking side glances at her. She was asleep, her face pale and an uncomfortable grimace on her face. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he had his suspicions and it worried him. He pulled into the rest area and chose not to wake her. He went inside the convenience store and came out a while later with a bag in his arms, opening the door and smiling when she opened her eyes to look at him.

"Where are we?" she asked, groggily.

"Rest area," he answered. "How're you feeling?"

"Okay," she sighed, putting her hand to her stomach. "A little queasy…"

"Here," he pulled a can of gingerale out of the bag, opening it and handing it to her, "Sip it…slowly…" She took a small drink, trying to keep it down, and he handed her a package of crackers. "Nibble these…with the gingerale."

"I don't think I can…" she shook her head. "My stomach hurts…"

"I know," he assured her. "But it'll help. I promise…just try it…"

She reluctantly took a small bite, "El…thanks…" she exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry about all of this. I thought I had an ulcer…but now I think maybe it's the flu…I shouldn't have come…"

"I don't think you have the flu," he said seriously and she looked questioningly at him. He didn't have the heart to tell her what he really thought was going on. "Maybe this is just your body's way of reacting to grief…" He reached out and squeezed her hand.

"Maybe…" she nodded, taking another sip of the gingerale. "I'm sure I'll feel better when we get there."

"Yeah," he forced a sad smile. "I'm sure you will." He started the car and pulled out onto the highway. "Tell me if you need me to pull over again, okay?"

She nodded, and stared out the window as the scenery moved quickly past in a blur.

 **More to come...**


	5. Chapter 5

**This update is short. I know I said it would be longer, but it just didn't turn out that way. Sorry. Hopefully you will enjoy it anyway.**

 **Thanks again for all the awesome reviews. To those who keep messaging me about Conceivable, I've been working on the next chapter, but it just isn't coming to me as easily as I'd hoped. It'll be updated eventually. Hopefully you'll hang on until then.**

 **Thanks again!**

 **A Couple of Hours Later…**

Olivia was asleep when they pulled into town, and he hated to wake her, but he had no choice. He put his hand gently on her shoulder, "Liv…wake up," he said and she opened her eyes and looked at him. "We're here," he said.

She looked out the window at the small string of businesses that constituted Downtown and then back at Elliot. "You live here?" she asked. "How the hell can you survive in this place?"

"It's not as bad as you think," he smiled and turned down a side road. "It's kind of nice to be away from the chaos of the city. Small town life has it's advantages."

"Just take me to the hotel," she closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the headrest with an exhausted sigh. "I think I need some sleep…"

"Are you still feeling bad?" he asked. "You look a little pale."

She shrugged, "I'm just tired. It's been a rough couple of days."

He nodded, "Well you do look like you could use some rest," he agreed. "I think it'd be better if you stayed at my place. That way we can work on the case when you are feeling better…"

"Oh right," she snickered, "I'm sure Kathy would _love_ that." She looked out the window at the unfamiliar scenery. "Just take me to the hotel. There is a hotel in this God-forsaken place, right?"

"Liv…" he looked at her with seriousness. "Kathy and I…we're not together anymore…" he said. "We got divorced, a few years ago."

"What?" she said with confusion. "But you said…you said she was why you moved here?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "She was…but the funny thing is, we were here about six months before she met a guy at work that she liked a hell of a lot more than me. I mean, I can't really blame her I guess…but she wasn't content to pine away for him indefinitely, and so she left me."

"El, I'm sorry…" she said honestly. "I really am."

"It's okay," he forced a smile. "We are better off apart. And she's happy with her new husband…we share custody of Eli…things are good."

"I'm glad," Olivia said gently. "Why didn't you come back, then? Back to New York?"

He shrugged, "I couldn't…not after the way I left things. Liv, I am so sorry for that. When I left, I was so messed up. I didn't know how to face everything I was feeling…everything about shooting a teenage girl, everything about my feelings for you…my family…"

"We don't have to do this now," she offered. She wasn't sure she wanted to have this conversation at all.

"I was afraid," he admitted. "I love my family, Liv…and I was hurting them…the way I felt about you, the time I spent with you…how much I wanted you…"

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Me too," he reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tight. "I know I hurt you and it was the worst thing I've ever done, and I'll never forgive myself for it. I don't expect you to forgive me either."

"I want to forgive you," she said honestly. "But it's not easy…and this isn't the right time…I just need to focus on finding Brian's murderer right now, El."

"Then that's what we'll do," he put both hands back on the wheel and pulled into a parking lot at a small apartment building. He looked at her and smiled, "This is my place…" Then he opened the door, and grabbed her bag, heading toward the entrance. She took an anxious breath, and followed him.

 **Later that Night…**

"Noah was so sweet on the phone," Olivia smiled, walking into the living room. "I miss him…"

"You'll be home soon," Elliot promised. "You won't be away from him for long."

"I know," she sat down on the sofa next to him. "Hopefully we can solve this case and then I can get back to my life."

"Liv…I know this is more than a case to you," he reminded her. "It's okay…for you to be grieving over this…and I don't want you overdoing things…"

"I'm fine," she insisted. "I want to help solve this and get back to my son and my squad. What happened to Brian is awful, but I can't spend the rest of my life in mourning. He wasn't even my boyfriend…he was just…who he was."

"Liv…" he sighed.

"Hey, do they have Chinese delivery in this hell-hole?" she asked, changing the subject. "I'm starving."

"I thought you were sick," he questioned. "I'm not sure Chinese is the best thing for your stomach."

"I feel fine now," she insisted. "It must have been the car ride…"

"Uh huh…" Elliot rolled his eyes.

"What?" she asked. "You think I'm dying of the plague or something?"

"No," he sighed, "But I do think you should take a closer look at some of your symptoms. Liv…I mean…this could be something else…"

"It's not…and I'm fine," she promised. "Now…Chinese? Do they deliver around here?"

He laughed a little, "Yes…they deliver…I'll call. You want the usual?"

"Of course," she grinned. "But this time, I get the extra egg roll."

"Oh trust me…" he smiled. "I'm in no position to argue with you about a damn egg roll. It's all yours."

An hour later Olivia sat, her legs curled under her while she took a bite of her egg roll, dripping with sweet and sour sauce, and she sighed, "Mmmm…these are so good. Who would've thought someplace the size of a postage stamp would have the best Chinese food on the planet?"

"I doubt it's the best on the planet," Elliot laughed, sitting his half empty plate on the coffee table and picking up a file folder. He glanced through the folder and then over at Olivia who was finishing up the egg roll, "You still feeling okay?"

"Sure," she nodded. "I'm fine…" she glanced at his plate, "Are you gonna finish that?"

He shook his head, "It's all yours…" he chuckled. "But don't blame me when your stomach hurts later." She grabbed his plate and took a bite, leaning over to glance at the file, but he pulled it away. "You don't want see this," he said.

"Why not?" she asked. "I'm here to help, remember. I have to know the details of the case. All you've told me is he was killed behind a strip club. How can I help without knowing more?" She grabbed the file from him, looking at his familiar handwriting in the notes. Then she flipped the page, staring at the crime-scene photos. They weren't particularly gruesome, and she'd seen far worse, but looking at him there, so still and lifeless, it made her feel faint and she closed the file.

"Liv…I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't want you to see the pictures. You don't need those images in your head."

"No…I needed to see them," she cleared her throat, "I can't help if I don't know the details. Where was he staying? Do you know? Maybe we can check out his room?"

"My partner did that yesterday," Elliot told her. "We'll touch point with him in the morning."

She nodded, "Do you mind if I head to bed?" she asked, trying to keep her emotions in check. "I'm tired…and I want to be up early to get started on this."

"Sure," he gave a weak smile. "You take my room…I'll sleep out here."

"No…the couch is fine," she argued.

"I insist," he said, "You need a good night's sleep. I'll be fine out here."

Suddenly she was too tired to argue, so instead she simply said "thanks" and walked into the bedroom, sitting on the bed and trying unsuccessfully to erase the images of Brian's lifeless body from her mind.

Elliot walked to the hall closet, grabbing a pillow and blanket. He could hear her muffled sobs, and he wanted to go to her, to hold her and tell her everything would be okay…but he didn't. He walked back to the living room and made up the couch, laying there awake for most of the night.

 **The Next Morning…**

He opened his eyes when she slammed the bathroom door. He knew she hadn't meant to wake him, but her urgency in the situation left her with little chance to be discreet. She was throwing up…a lot. The sound from behind the door was harsh and painful, and he couldn't decide if he should try to help her or leave her alone. She was sick…really sick…and he wasn't sure she even knew the cause of it, though he was almost certain he did. "Oh Liv…" he whispered to himself. "What're you gonna do?"

He was just about to get up and offer to help when she pushed the door open. He closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep so she wouldn't know he'd been listening to her vomit for almost an hour. She went into the kitchen, filling a glass with water and taking slow sips. He sat up then, looking at her pale, sweaty face and he called to her, "Why don't you lay back down for a while?"

She turned to look at him, "How long have you been awake?" she asked, swallowing the sick lump in her throat and hoping the water would stay in her stomach.

"Not very long," he lied, standing to his feet and walking into the kitchen. "Liv…you don't look good…"

"Yeah…I think it was the Chinese food last night," she said.

"Olivia…" he looked at her seriously. "You need to face this."

"Face what?" she asked. "I'm sick…okay…people get sick Elliot."

"Are you pregnant?" he asked, blatantly and her eyes widened. "Because if you are...it's gonna be okay. You'll be all right."

"No…why would you even ask me that?" she sat down the water glass and her whole body seemed to shake.

"Liv…I'm not trying to upset you," he added. "But you have to admit…the signs are there. I mean, you made me pull over the car so you could throw up, you're exhausted, you were starving last night even though you'd been sick earlier, and now you're waking up throwing up…"

"Elliot…"her voice shook. "I'm not…I can't…there's no possible way…"

"You and Cassidy…" he asked. "Were you careful? I mean your panties were tossed on the floor of his bedroom so I can only assume things were a little rushed sometimes…"

"Oh my God," she shook her head, " _That_ is none of your damn business. I'm not pregnant…I'm too old…we weren't planning to have kids…"

"Are you late?" he asked. "I just think you should consider this…maybe take a test…"

"I'm not having this conversation with you," she yelled, "I can't believe you. My sex life…my menstrual cycle…none of your damn business." She sat down at the table, her head in her hands and tried not to cry. "Fuck you, Elliot…"

"Liv, I'm sorry," he put his hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away.

"Leave me to the hell alone," she sputtered, standing to her feet. "I'm gonna go get dressed and then we need to go meet your partner."

"But you don't feel good and I think you need to rest," he offered.

"I don't care what you think," she argued. "I want to solve this case, so I can go home…to my son…to my life. I don't need your shit, Elliot. I just don't." She started toward the bedroom, but stopped and looked back at him, "I'm not a Stabler…" she said bitterly. "I can't just get pregnant on a whim. I can't have a baby just because I was too stupid to use birth control once. Things like that…they don't happen to me, Elliot."

"Liv, I'm sorry," he sighed. "I didn't mean to upset you or hurt your feelings. I just want you to be okay."

"I will be," she answered. "When we solve this…so I can go home."

 **More to come...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello all! Since I am home sick today, sitting here waiting on my doctor's office to call me back, I decided to go ahead and post a short update. Enjoy!**

 **An Hour Later…**

Olivia leaned her head against the car window and stared out at the town while Elliot drove. She wanted to go home. She was sick of being here…of being with him…of trying to be strong in the midst of everything. She missed her son and her job, and it hadn't even been a full day. She sighed, as her stomach seemed to churn and silently prayed she wouldn't throw up. Why was she so damn sick all of the sudden? Elliot's suggestion that she was pregnant kept resurfacing, no matter how many times she tried to force it to the back of her mind. There was no way she was pregnant…no possible way. Was she late? Maybe…but it was hard to calculate being late when your period only showed up every three or four months anyway, which is what had been happening to her for over a year now. Even her doctor had said it was the start of menopause and that she'd never be able to conceive a child now. She'd made peace with it and she loved Noah, and she didn't want another child. When was her last period? Two…three months ago…she wasn't sure, but what she did know was that it would show up again at the most inopportune time and she'd curse herself for ever even entertaining the notion that Elliot might be right. She swallowed the sick feeling that seemed to rise to her throat and put her hand on her stomach, unintentionally letting out a sick moan.

"Are you all right?" Elliot glanced at her, worried by her weak demeanor.

She nodded, "I'm fine…" she insisted. "Are we almost there? I think I need to get out of the car."

"You want me to pull over?" he asked, but she shook her head no, afraid to answer for fear the contents of her stomach would come up the second she opened her mouth. "Liv…it's okay…"

She looked at him, "No…I'm fine…" she managed the force the words from her lips.

He drove a few more blocks, which felt more like hours to her, before pulling into a parking space. "We're here…" he offered, giving a slight smile, but he knew she wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. She opened her door and climbed out of the car and he rushed to her side, leading her into the building. "The ladies room is that way," he pointed down the hall and she rushed off before he could say anything more.

He was standing by the soda machine when she emerged a while later, her face gray and her body looking limp and weak. "Sorry about that…" she sputtered, clearing her throat.

He nodded, handing her a can of 7up from the machine, "They don't have gingerale, but this should help." He sat down on a bench in the lobby and motioned for her to sit next to him. "Are you feeling any better now?"

She shrugged, opening the can and taking a small sip, "El…I know you mean well…I know you do…but at the apartment, what you said…about me maybe…being pregnant…" she took another small sip and looked at him tearfully, "I'm not. I need you to understand that…okay. I'm not pregnant." She rolled her eyes and bit her lip. "I can't believe I'm even talking to you about this…but I can't be pregnant. I've already started menopause and my doctor said it was next to impossible. Brian and I..we had a scare a couple of years ago and he was adamant about not wanting a baby. I was hurt…but then I adopted Noah and everything was good…you know. So when my doctor told me a while back that I won't be having biological children, I was okay with it. But you, suggesting it…it brings up all these feelings that I don't know if I can deal with right now…" She sighed, "I have the flu…"

"I didn't know Noah was adopted," he said softly. "He looks so much like you."

Olivia took another sip of her soda and smiled, "People always say that. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, Elliot. I never knew I could love another person so much."

"Yeah, kids do that to you," he smiled. "You know…until a woman has gone a full year without a period, she can still get pregnant…regardless of what your doctor says about the odds."

"Elliot…" she groaned.

"Kathy told me that," he said quickly. "You know, we used natural birth control so we had to be careful…"

"You were so careful you ended up with five kids," she laughed.

"Just think of how many we would have had if we weren't careful," he joked.

"You two would've populated this whole town," Olivia smiled.

"Seriously though, Liv…I just have a feeling…and I think you should consider the possibility," he offered. "Have you had any other symptoms? Just think about it..."

"El, other than puking my guts out I don't have any other symptoms," she argued, though she questioned how truthful she was being. Her appetite had definitely gone through some changes lately, and her clothes were feeling tight, and she was exhausted…but she attributed all that to the stress of the lieutenant's exam. "And Brian and I were pretty careful…most of the time," though she knew that wasn't exactly true either. "He never wanted kids with me…"

"Okay," Elliot gave in. "But promise me if you don't start feeling better that you'll at least go to the doctor when you get home. It may be the flu, but it could be something serious."

"I promise," she said, standing to her feet. "We need to meet with your partner now, don't we?"

"First I want to go see the ME," he suggested. "I need to see if he has any information for us. Is that okay with you?"

"Sure," she exhaled slowly, hoping her stomach wouldn't revolt at the sight and smell of the morgue.

 **Medical Examiner's Office**

"What do you have for me?" Elliot asked, walking into the stark white room while the medical examiner looked up from the corpse he was working on. "Please tell me you found something to give us a lead on this murder…"

"Stabler," he said. "I gave my report to your partner an hour ago. He didn't call you?"

"No," Elliot replied. "Guess we'll get up there then."

"Wait," Olivia interrupted. "Can you tell us? What you found out about Detective Cassidy?"

"Who's she?" the ME asked, looking intently at Olivia.

"Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU," Elliot explained. "She's helping me out."

"This is hardly an SVU case," the ME insisted. "The guy was shot in the back twice and the head once. Looks like the bullet to the head was first, and it probably took him out before the other two shots. He was found behind the strip club, but I'm not sure he'd been inside. I didn't find any evidence to show it anyway. Didn't even look like he put up a fight. I'm pretty sure he was shot from behind. Obviously killed somewhere else and then his body was moved."

"Can I see the body?" Olivia asked.

"I don't see why not," the ME added. "Any word on next of kin. Someone coming to ID him?"

"Me…" she said, clearing her throat. "I'm going to ID him."

"Liv…you don't have to," Elliot said sadly. "I already did…"

"You hadn't seen him in almost twenty years," she reminded him. "You don't know for sure…"

"Oh Liv…you know it's him," he said. "Don't do this to yourself."

She nodded, "I need to see…for myself. And I need to make arrangements to have his body brought back to New York. His mom is going to want to plan a funeral…" her words seemed to blur together and before she knew what hit her, Brian's lifeless body was in front of her and she looked at it and questioned why she didn't feel differently. She should cry…she kept telling herself she should cry…but no tears were streaming down her cheeks. She exhaled slowly.

"Liv…" Elliot whispered, putting his arm around her because he was afraid she might faint. Her face was white as a ghost and he could feel her body shake at his touch. "It's okay…"

"He's really dead," she whispered. "The last time I saw him…" she looked at Elliot…"we had Thai noodles and he said he didn't want to change our relationship…" she felt the tears falling then and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop them.

"I'm sure he just meant he was happy with you the way things were," Elliot offered, pulling her into a hug. "He loved you…"

"He meant he didn't want to be in a real relationship with me, because I ruined it the first time around," she argued. "Guess he got his wish…" she looked at him and her tears dripped down on his cold, lifeless face. "Bri…I'm sorry…if Tucker hadn't been obsessed with me, he never would have sent you here…" she looked at Elliot, "We have to find out how Tucker's involved. I know he is, El. He has to be."

"Okay," Elliot whispered. He motioned for the ME to cover the body and when he tried, Olivia stopped him.

"No…can I have a minute…alone…" she asked.

They both looked unsure, but finally Elliot gave the go ahead and he and the ME left the room. Olivia took Brian's limp hand in hers and held it tight. "I'm sorry I didn't forgive you…for not wanting the baby I thought I was carrying…I let it cast this dark shadow over us, and I shouldn't have…we lost so much time together over that…and now, there's no time left…"She let go of his hand and ran her finger along his cheek, "I'm gonna miss you…I love you…and I'm sorry I didn't do more to show it…" she lifted the sheet back over his face and went out to the hall to meet Elliot.

 **Squad Room**

"Hey, Teddy…you got the ME's report?" Elliot asked as he and Olivia walked in. He went over to his desk and flopped down in his chair, his partner staring at him from a desk nearby.

"Who's this?" he asked, motioning toward Olivia who had perched herself on the corner of Elliot's desk. "You sure you want to talk over a case in front of your…uhm…friend…"

Elliot laughed, "This is Olivia…my old partner from New York."

"Olivia Benson?" Teddy seemed to choke on his words as he stared at her in disbelief.

"My reputation precedes me," Olivia chuckled, walking over and extending her hand to him. When she shook his hand it felt cold and clammy and she felt an odd sensation of distrust immediately. "So…I'm here to help. Brian Cassidy was a friend, and I want this solved."

"A friend?" Teddy asked. "Like a coworker friend? Drinking buddy friend? Friend with benefits?"

"Come on Ted…" Elliot stood up and walked to his partner's desk. "Knock it off. She wants to help. You have that report of not?"

"Yeah," he tossed it toward Elliot. "There's nothing helpful in there. Just says where he was shot…estimates his time of death as about two to four hours before we were called in…" he looked at his own notes. "I interviewed some folks at the strip club yesterday. They seemed to think he was a regular…"

"A regular?" Olivia asked. "The ME said there was nothing to prove he'd even been there."

"Just telling you what I was told," Teddy insisted.

"There is no way Brian was a regular," she argued. "He'd only been in town a day." She grabbed his file and looked at his notes. "None of this makes sense. I want to talk to these people…"

"I don't think that's your job," Teddy argued. "You don't work here."

"Teddy, come on…" Elliot argued. "She can help us. Maybe someone's lying, and it would be good to find out who."

"Yeah, I guess," Teddy gave in.

"Look," Olivia showed Elliot the file. "This says Brian was at the club three nights in a row and I know he was with me in New York one of these nights. Thai food…remember…"

"Maybe someone got the date wrong," Teddy suggested.

"You never found his phone?" Olivia asked. "His badge…anything other than his wallet?"

"No," Teddy insisted. "There was no proof he was a cop. If Elliot hadn't known him, I doubt we would have figured it out."

"We need to find his things," Olivia added. "I can show you the texts he sent, the time of the call from Tucker…"

"Tucker? Who's that?" Teddy's voice seemed to crack.

"Cassidy's superior at NYPD," Elliot explained. "There's some suspicion he might be involved."

"I doubt that," Teddy snickered.

"How do you know?" Olivia asked. "You don't even know him. You don't know anything…"

"Liv…calm down," Elliot tried to settle her anxiousness.

"I don't need to calm down, Elliot," she argued. "Who the hell does this kid think he is anyway? He isn't doing his damn job. He isn't finding Brian's killer!"

"Olivia…we're going to find the person who did this…" Elliot said again, this time noticing the way she seemed to sway back and forth. "Liv.." he grabbed her and she tried to steady her breathing.

"I'm okay…" she mumbled. "I feel a little dizzy…" Elliot helped her sit down and she put her head in her hands, trying to breathe without passing out. "Go get her some water…" he yelled at Teddy who quickly did what he was told, and returned with the water in a few second. "Here, sip this…" Elliot offered and she took a few small drinks.

"Can you take me home?" she asked, her voice weak. "I need to go home…"

"Yeah," he helped her to her feet, and looked at his partner. "She has a touch of the flu. I'll run her back to my place and I'll work from there today," he said, picking up the case file. "You recheck with your witnesses," he ordered and Teddy nodded.

They were in the car, buckling their seat belts when Elliot looked at Olivia, her eyes full of tears. "You don't like Teddy, huh?"

She shook her head, "He doesn't seem to know what he's doing, Elliot."

"He's young…new to the job," he told her. "He's trying. Kind of reminds me of Cassidy back in the day. He screwed up a time or two if you remember."

"I remember," she said as the pulled out onto the street.

"Do you still feel dizzy?" Elliot asked. "Closing your eyes in the car might help."

She shook her head, "I'm okay now." Then she looked at him, "Will you take me to the pharmacy? I need to…I guess I've been thinking about our talk earlier…I need to find out, for sure."

"I think you already know, but a test will give you a definite answer," Elliot said with a gentle smile.

She started to cry and he grabbed her hand holding it tight, "I can't have a baby, Elliot. Not now…I don't want this…" Elliot didn't say anything. He just pulled up in front of the pharmacy and let her cry.

 **More to come soon...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the amazing reviews. To the person who said they wanted me to stop writing this and go back to** ** _Conceivable_** **, I'm sorry you're disappointed. I will finish** ** _Conceivable_** **, but I've kind of made a deal with myself that I will focus on getting pregnant and not stress about stories I'm writing, and this one is easier for me to write at the moment. I promise, if I get a positive pregnancy test soon, I will celebrate by updating** ** _Conceivable_** **. All the more reason for people to send positive vibes and prayers my way, right? ;)**

 **Anyway, please go ahead and enjoy this story while you wait. Don't hate me for this chapter. I promise Liv's initial reaction here will not be the end. She's just not in a good place emotionally or physically at this point in the story.**

 **Thanks again for the reviews. They bring me joy and make me smile!**

"Liv?" They'd been sitting outside the drug store for at least twenty minutes and she hadn't made a move to go in. She'd just sat there, crying at first, but then stopping and staring out the window in a frozen state. Elliot didn't know what to say to her, not yet, so he'd said nothing, but now he had no choice. They couldn't sit there all day. "Do you want me to go in and get it?" he asked.

She turned then and looked at him, her eyes red and puffy, and she shook her head. "No…I'll go," she cleared her throat and reached for the door handle.

"I can go with you," he offered.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she said. "You don't need to be the subject of the whole town's gossip."

"I don't care what they think about me," he insisted.

She forced a sad smile, "Well I do. I didn't come here to ruin the life you've made for yourself, El. I'll go by myself. Be right back…" and she opened the door and disappeared into the pharmacy.

It seemed like forever before she came out, carrying a plastic bag in her hands and sliding into the car seat next to him. "You okay?" he asked, and she nodded, choosing not to speak. She couldn't engage in conversation right now…she just couldn't. So instead she pulled a pack of Twizzlers out of the bag, opening them and sticking one in her mouth. "Candy?" he asked, pulling out onto the street. "You really think that's the best choice right now? I mean, you weren't feeling well and all that sugar isn't good for the…" he stopped himself. She was obviously not ready to talk about any of this. So he reached over and grabbed one of the Twizzlers, sticking it in his mouth so he could avoid talking the rest of the way home.

They walked in the door and she sat the bag on the table, opening the refrigerator and taking out a bottle of water, twisting the cap off and taking a long drink. Elliot sat at the table and she sat across from him, sipping her water, both of them staring intently at the bag from the pharmacy.

"You gonna take it?" he asked, knowing he sounded pushy, but it was time she faced this.

"I need to drink this first," she looked at the water bottle.

"You probably shouldn't," he added. "I mean…they say drinking a lot before you take the test could result in a false negative."

" _They_ say that, do they? Damn you!" she yelled, slamming the water bottle down on the table. "Why do you even think this is your business? If I am…if I'm gonna…well, it's _my_ problem. Not yours. And I don't care how much you think you know about home pregnancy tests…I don't need your help. You wanna go in there and tell my where and how to pee too?"

"Calm down," he said. "I'm just trying to help. I know this is hard…but I'm here. Whatever you need, Liv…you know I'm here. Even later…if you need help with the baby…"

She shook her head, "Elliot…I cannot have a baby. I told you that. I can't…"

"Just take the test," he suggested. "One step at a time." She picked up the bag, accidentally dropping the contents out on the table and Elliot smiled a little when he saw three different brands of pregnancy tests scatter across the table. "Guess that should give you a definite answer," he said. She grabbed the tests, shoving them in the bag and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

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She'd been in there forever, and he didn't know what to do. Obviously the tests had been positive or she would have come out to tell him, but he wasn't sure how she was going to react to the situation. She needed help, but maybe right now she just wanted to be alone. Still, it had been at least a half hour and he was worried about her, so he knocked on the door softly, and when she didn't answer he knocked harder, "Liv…" he called, but she didn't respond and now he was scared. "Olivia…" he yelled again. "Liv…let me in…" but the other side of the door was silent.

"Dammit," he whispered, running into the kitchen and finding a butter knife in the drawer, rushing back to the bathroom door and jimmying the lock. "I'm coming in, Olivia…" he called again, pushing the door open, expecting the worst and surprised to see her simply sitting on the floor with her knees pulled to her chin. She wasn't crying, she wasn't hurt…she wasn't…anything. "Hey…" he said softly. "Are you okay?" He glanced at the sink where the pregnancy tests were lined up; a dark blue plus sign, two pink lines, and the word "pregnant" staring back at him. "Liv…it's gonna be all right…"

She shook her head slowly, "No…it's not…"

He lowered himself to the floor, sitting next to her when he realized she was making no effort to move. "I know you're scared…but this isn't a bad thing. You're gonna be a great mom…"

She looked at him, "I'm already a mom. My son is little. He needs me…he deserves my undivided attention and he already has to share that with my job…he doesn't need to share me with…with someone else…someone who shouldn't even be here…"

"Liv…don't say that," Elliot said sadly. "Maybe you didn't plan this…"

" _Didn't plan this_?" she sputtered. "Are you kidding me? I don't even know when this happened. I have no idea how far along I am…and the…the…" she couldn't bring herself to say the word baby, so she just didn't. "It probably has all sorts of things wrong with it. I've been drinking wine and coffee and I think I've taken ibuprofen for a headache at least twice in the last week. I might have something wrong with me too…I mean, I'm old Elliot. I'm not supposed to be able to…I just can't do this. I can't."

"You're not that old, Olivia," he smiled. "You're just afraid…and lots of women have a drink or take pain meds before they know they're pregnant. Everything will turn out fine."

She shook her head, "Brian doesn't want a baby…he made that very clear. I can't do this when he doesn't want it…it wouldn't be right…"

Elliot looked at her, confused by her sudden decision to bring up Brian, especially in the present tense. He was afraid she was having some sort of breakdown. "Honey…you know this isn't up to him…he's not here, remember?"

Her voice shook, "I know that Elliot. Don't patronize me. I know he's dead. I'm not losing my mind," she said. "But that doesn't change anything. I'm not having it…I'm not doing this. I just can't."

"You need to take time to think about this," Elliot suggested. "You're still in shock…you're scared."

" _You want me to have it_ ," she said, tears finally stinging her eyes and he was surprised she'd held them off this long. "It's not your choice. It's mine. And I can't do this. I can't look at my kids someday and explain to them that they had shitty lives with a single mother who was stretched too thin, all because I was too fucking caught up in the moment to be careful. Or worse…have Noah put back in foster care because I died trying to have another baby when I'm too damn old to do it. I don't want to make this choice, Elliot. God, I don't want to…but I _have_ to. If Brian was still here…he wouldn't want this…so how can I make this decision now that he's gone."

"Olivia…this is _your_ decision," he said, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief and pain. "Maybe Brian didn't want a baby…but you do…I _know_ you do. You need to take some time to think about this. See the doctor and get more information. Hear that little heartbeat. And you are not alone. I promise you…I can help you…I'll be there…"

"Like you've been there for me the last four years?" she said, letting her tears fall. "Don't make false promises to me Elliot. I've had too many of those over the years."

"I'm not…" he promised. "I want to help you…whatever you need…"

"What if I need a ride to the abortion clinic," she asked, swallowing the sick feeling in her throat. "What if I take time to think things through…" she cried, her heart breaking at the thought. "And that's the only answer I can find…"

He pulled her close, and held her tight while she sobbed on his chest. "I know that's not the answer, Olivia. I know it…but if that's what you have to do…if after you've given it all the thought you can…if you still think that's the only option…" he sighed. "Then yes…I'll be there…because no matter what my beliefs are about it, if you do decide not to have this baby…then I know that will be the hardest and worst thing you'll ever have to go through…and I won't let you do it alone."

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Elliot walked into the bedroom as quietly as he could. He didn't want to startle her, but he wanted to make sure she was okay. After she'd cried until she had nothing left, she'd agreed to lay down for a while and had fallen asleep immediately. Now, two hours later, he hadn't heard a word from her and he needed to make sure she was okay. As much as he hated to think about it, he didn't know if it was safe to leave her alone. He wasn't sure what she'd do.

She was curled up in bed, her body perfectly still, but he could see her torso move slowly with each breath. He knew he should leave, but he couldn't. He just stood there, watching her and wishing he had the answers to make things right. She deserved to be happy…to have this baby and be the mother she always wanted to be. He wondered what her reaction would be if Brian were still alive. Surely he would have come around to the idea of being a father. Hopefully he would have convinced Olivia that he was happy about their baby. But none of that mattered now, because Brian was gone, and Olivia was alone, and even though he knew she loved that baby, he also knew she couldn't let herself accept it. She was in shock, and she needed time to process what was happening. He just didn't know how to help her.

She moaned a little, and opened her eyes, and he immediately wished he'd left the room before she caught him invading her privacy like this. "I just wanted to check on you," he said, before she could ask what he was doing watching her sleep.

She sat up slowly, "I'm okay, Elliot. It's bad enough I spent half the morning bawling on your bathroom floor. I swear, I'm stronger than that. I just let my emotions get the best of me, but I'm okay now. I don't need a babysitter."

"I know that," he said, walking over and sitting next to her on the bed. "I know you were upset, so I…needed to check…"

"Check what?" she asked. "Check to make sure I didn't slit my wrists?" she held her arms up so he could see them. "All clear…" she sighed.

"Olivia…" he started, but she interrupted him.

"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I know you're just trying to help. I really am sorry…I feel like this whole thing is bringing out the worst in me. I'm not this weak, Elliot. I swear. I'm sorry you ended up in the middle of my mess."

"It's okay," he forced a sad smile. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged, "Tired…nauseous… _hungry_ …" she shook her head. "How did I not know I was pregnant? I'm such an idiot."

"No you're not. You were just in denial, and for good reason, Liv. I know you didn't plan this…you're still in shock. Have you thought about how far along you might be?" he asked. "I know you said you weren't sure, but you should probably try to figure it out. Even if you decide not to have it…"

"I don't know. I don't really want to talk about it now Elliot," she said. "Please…just, let's forget about it for now. We need to solve Brian's murder and I need to get home. I miss Noah."

"All right," he reluctantly agreed. "You said you're hungry. Why don't we go get a late lunch and look over the case file…maybe interview some witnesses from the club? Do you feel up to doing that?"

"Sure," she nodded. "I feel like working. I definitely feel like working."

Ten minutes later they were in a small café and Elliot sipped his coffee while Olivia stirred milk into her tea cup. She took a small drink, then opened the file and stared at Teddy's notes. "Something is wrong here, El," she insisted. "How can these people say they saw Brian at the club so many times? I know he wasn't there. Either they're lying…or the notes are wrong…"

"You wanna interview the people yourself?" Elliot offered. "Maybe you can get a better read on them? I admit, Teddy is still pretty green. He doesn't always see when people are pulling something over on him."

"Do you trust him?" she asked. "I mean, _really_ trust him? Something about him rubs me the wrong way."

"He's a nice kid," Elliot insisted. "Maybe not the best cop, but if you think he killed Brian…"

"I didn't say that," she argued. The waitress brought their food and Elliot took a bite of his cheeseburger while Olivia drizzled salad dressing on her salad. "I'm just afraid he knows more than he's telling us."

"Well, if he's hiding something, we'll figure it out," Elliot added. He motioned toward her salad, "Let's have a nice lunch, and then we'll go over to the club and see what we can sort out from the witnesses." She nodded, taking a bite of her salad and watching Elliot eat his burger and fries. She didn't even realize she was staring at him until he said something. "Liv…why are you watching me eat? Do I have something in my teeth or what? You're staring."

"Sorry," she said, shaking her head. "It's just been a long time, you know. The two of us, having lunch and trying to figure out a case…" she gave a sad smile. "And I wasn't staring at you."

"Yes, you were," he smiled.

"No," she gave an embarrassed sigh. "I was staring at your French fries. They look delicious."

He laughed, "Do you want some of my fries?" he asked.

She shrugged, "No. I have my own food. I don't really eat junk food anymore anyway." She took another bite of her salad, but kept her eyes on his plate.

"Uh huh," he smiled. "Maybe _you_ don't want fries, but I think the baby does," he suggested, taking half of them and putting them on her plate.

Her face dropped at his words, "El…please…don't say that. I can't think about it right now." She put her fork down. "Let's just go talk to some of the witnesses at the strip club."

"No, eat…I'm sorry," he offered. "You have to eat."

"For the baby?" she sighed. "Elliot, I told you…I can't do this…"

"For you," he insisted. "You have to eat, _for you_. You've been sick. You need to keep your strength up. Regardless of what you decide to do about this, you have to keep yourself healthy Liv. I'm sorry. I promise, I won't mention the baby again. Not until you're ready to talk about it."

"I don't know when that will be," she said, picking up one of the French fries and dipping it in her salad dressing, popping it in her mouth. "Ugh…" she groaned. "Why do these have to taste so damn good? I've gained at least five pounds in the last month and this isn't going to help."

"Five pounds… _really_?" he asked and she nodded. He knew she didn't want to talk about the baby, but he couldn't help but wonder if she was a lot further along than she thought, and if that was the case, her options to deal with the pregnancy might be limited.. "Liv…maybe…" he wasn't sure what to say.

"What?" she asked, popping another fry into her mouth.

"Nothing," he said. "Finish eating. I was just thinking we should probably hurry so we can get over to the club before they open for the night."

"We have time," she said, glancing at the time on her phone. "Don't we?"

"Yeah, don't worry," he answered. "Take your time and eat. We have plenty of time."

 **More to come...**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the reviews. I love reading the feedback. Here is a little bit more. Enjoy!**

Elliot pushed open the door to the strip club, the entire room bustling with people setting up for the evening crowd. Most of the workers turned to look at him, and a middle aged man with a balding head and overall sleazy demeanor came over to talk to him. "What can I do for you detective?" he asked. "This about the stiff they found out back? I already talked to your partner."

"Well, we had some questions that weren't answered in his notes," Elliot said, motioning toward Olivia. "This is Detective Benson…from Manhattan. She's here to help us out."

" _Sergeant_ Benson," Olivia quickly corrected him as she extended her hand. "And that _stiff_ …he was an NYPD detective. We're gonna have to solve this. Killing a cop…that's a pretty ballsy move. If someone around here was involved…"

"I told that other cop…the young one," the man said. "I never saw that guy before. He's never been here. Now, we're busy getting ready for tonight. Unless you have a warrant, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to our work."

"And your name is?" Olivia asked, opening the file and looking through Teddy's notes.

"Sam…Sam Malconi. This is my place," he smiled, looking around.

"You must be pretty proud," Olivia smiled. "I mean…small town like this…I've only been here a day and I can tell how boring everything is. You must be the hotspot for fun, right?"

Sam shrugged, "If you want, I can comp you the cover charge and you can come around for tonight's show. I want folks to know we're friends of the police around here…we're not breaking any laws…and someone as pretty as you should have some fun before you head back to the city."

"That won't be necessary," Elliot replied.

"No…I think it would great," Olivia smiled playfully at Sam. "Thanks so much. I think we'll have fun."

"A lady after my own heart," Sam sputtered, giving her a wink. "You be here tonight. I'll have everything ready for you."

"Sam," Olivia asked. "I know everyone is busy, but do you mind if we talk to some of the dancers? Maybe the waitresses too? We really need to get these notes taken care of."

"Be quick about it," he said, motioning toward the back room. "The dancers are getting dressed. The other girls won't be here until we open. You can talk to them tonight if you don't interfere with their jobs."

"Got it," she gave a sickeningly sweet smile. "Thanks so much."

"Anything for you, sweetheart," he winked again and left the room, leaving Elliot and Olivia to talk with the other employees.

"Wow," Elliot looked at her and smirked. "You've still got it, I see."

"Yeah, I can turn on a middle-aged man with no hair and a pot belly," she snickered. "He'd fall for anything with a pulse."

"And boobs," Elliot added. "He probably likes your boobs…more than your pulse."

Olivia looked down at her chest and then rolled her eyes, "They hurt like hell…at least they're good for something."

"Pregnancy boobs," Elliot teased. "Kathy would never let me touch them. You'll feel better in a couple months."

"Elliot…" she sighed. "You promised…no baby talk…"

"Let's go talk to the dancers," Elliot suggested. "Good call taking him up on the tickets. Maybe we can get some more information from the patrons."

"Wait," she grabbed his arm and he turned to look at her. She held out the file, "Teddy says he talked to Sam…that Sam said Brian had been here multiple times. El…"

"Maybe he misunderstood?" Elliot suggested, not wanting to think the worst of his partner. Olivia looked at him in disbelief. "What…do you really think he's behind this?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "But why would he lie in the notes? It says here he was first on the scene…how'd he get there so quickly?"

"He was in the neighborhood," Elliot answered. "He doesn't live too far from here. Liv, I get it…something's off here. But I don't want to blame him without proof."

"Proof…El, look at this," she flung the file toward him. "Every person he talked to supposedly said Brian was a regular here. He was first on scene, and shockingly they couldn't find his phone, or his badge…anything. Come on…" She walked toward the hallway and Elliot quickly followed.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going to talk to the dancers," she replied. "You want to defend your partner…then fine. I'll figure this out on my own."

"Olivia," he grabbed her and pulled her arm so she was forced to turn and look at him. "I want to solve this. I just don't want to ruin a young cop's career over something that could be a simple mistake."

She grabbed her arm away from him and made her way down the hall, stopping when she heard the talking and laughing behind one of the doors. She knocked, and a young girl opened it. Olivia flashed her badge, "I wanna see ID in here," she said, and the girls rushed around until they all managed to produce something claiming they were at least twenty-one. "Okay…" she said. "Now, I want to know who has information about the murder than happened in the alley the other night." The girls weren't quick to answer, but she wasn't leaving until they did.

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"I doubt any of those girls were over twenty-one," Olivia said angrily as she slammed the car door. "We could close this place down."

"Liv, calm down," Elliot said, sliding into the driver's seat and starting the car. "You showed all of them Brian's picture, and only one claimed to know him. That's a start. We need to look into her. What was her name again?"

"Penny Conway, according to her ID…probably fake," Olivia sighed, looking through the notes. "Every single person we talked to said they hadn't seen him there before, even though your partner's notes quote them as saying he was a regular. Then I get to Penny and she says Brian took her in the back and offered her drugs, then had sex with her," she felt sick to her stomach. "There's no way…"

"What did she tell Teddy?" Elliot asked.

"That he was a regular and they spent some time together," Olivia said, closing the file. "Never mentioned drugs or sex." She rubbed her temples and tried to ease the headache that was taking over.

"Hey, calm down," Elliot said softly. "I'm sure she's lying. He wouldn't cheat on you."

"Cheat on me?" Olivia looked at him. "We weren't in a relationship Elliot. We weren't a couple."

"Yeah you were," he argued. "You loved him…you're carrying his baby, Olivia…He wouldn't have sex with some other woman. He wouldn't do drugs with her. He wouldn't lie to you…your relationship was stronger than that."

"I lied to him," she said, suddenly and with no emotion.

"What?" Elliot asked, confused. "Liv…"

"I slept with Tucker," she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "It was just once…"

"You…slept with… _Tucker_?" Elliot asked. "Liv. Why the hell…"

"I don't know why…" she yelled. "Because I'm stupid…because I was lonely…just because…but when Brian asked me about it, I denied it."

"Oh my God," Elliot cringed. "Is Tucker the father of your baby?"

"No…God no," she answered quickly. "It was a long time ago, before Brian and I started hooking up again…I just feel guilty because he asked me about it, and I told him it was just drinks and nothing more. I didn't want him to know. I never should've done it, and Tucker couldn't let it go…"

"Is that why you think Tucker killed Brian?" Elliot asked. "Because he was jealous?"

She shook her head, "I don't know. But Brian had dirt on him…I know it. He wouldn't tell me what, but he said he was close to being able to bring him down. And then Tucker showed up in my office, threatening my job if I didn't end things with Brian. Next thing I know, Brian's dead! And if Tucker did this…Brian's dead because of me!" she cried.

"He's not dead because of you," Elliot said sadly. "He's dead, because he got caught up in something dangerous…and Liv, we _will_ figure out what it was." He pulled up to the police station and looked at her. "I'm gonna go in and talk to Teddy. You take my car and go buy something to wear to that club tonight. Something that will keep Sam on his toes." He gave a slight smile.

"I don't' want to go shopping," she sniffled.

"That doesn't sound like the Olivia Benson I know," he teased. He got out of the car and she slid over into the driver's seat. "Liv…it'll be okay. I'm gonna get Teddy to spill what he knows and we'll go from there. You find the sexiest dress you can find, and I'll meet you at the apartment. Okay?"

She nodded, "All right," and then she pulled the car out and drove off.

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Olivia leaned over the toilet, retching and silently praying the sickness would let up before she had to go to the club. After she'd left Elliot at the police station, she'd spent the rest of the evening trying to find a dress that fit well enough to make her look more sexy and curvy than just bloated and fat, and it hadn't been as easy feat. On the way home she'd realized she was starving and grabbed a fast food burger, eating it on the way home. She hadn't been home for ten minutes before she realized the food had been a big mistake. Now she was stuck on Elliot's bathroom floor, throwing up her insides, and she expected him home any minute. All she wanted was to curl up in bed, but she knew she had to solve this case. She had to find Brian's killer. She owed him that much.

She heard the door open, and wanted to pull herself up from the floor, but the nausea was too intense and she started throwing up again. "Liv…" she heard Elliot call, but she couldn't find her voice to answer. "Olivia…" he said again, and she could see his feet at the bathroom door. "Are you in there?"

"I'm okay…" she gasped. "I'll be out in a minute." She finally felt well enough to get up from the floor, leaning against the sink while she splashed water on her face. Then she pushed the door open.

"Oh Liv," he looked at her with sympathy. "You look like hell."

"Gee, thanks," she quivered, walking over to the sofa and falling back. He sat next to her. "What'd you get from Teddy?"

"Nothing," Elliot answered. "The jackass left after we did earlier…no one's seen or heard from him."

"Dammit," she groaned. "Do you believe me now?"

"Yes…okay," Elliot sighed. "I put a track on his phone…looked at his phone records. He's been calling a number in New York City, but I can't figure out who the number belongs to. There's some sort of block on it. I ran his history…nothing came up." He handed her a file.

"Theodore Cooper…from Jersey?" she looked at him. "Single mom, no dad, accepted to the academy on the first try. Shit!" she glared at him. "We're never gonna find his connection if we don't find him."

"He could be anywhere by now" Elliot insisted. "I think our best shot right now is at the club."

"You may be right," she stood up, swaying a little and steadying herself. "I'll go get dressed."

"Liv, you're sick," Elliot reminded her. "Let me go. You stay here and rest. You can't work a case like this."

"I'm fine now," she argued. "I can do this. I have to do this."

"All right," Elliot gave in. "But Liv, you have to be careful."

"I'll be fine," she promised. "Besides, you'll be with me."

A while later they pulled into the parking lot of the club and Elliot turned to Olivia, smiling. She was wearing a purple dress that was low-cut enough to show a decent amount of cleavage, and cinched with a silver clasp right under her breasts. Then it hung loose enough to camouflage the extra pounds she was carrying in her midsection. She'd finished off the outfit with silver heels. He was surprised she'd managed to find something so stunning on such short notice. "You look beautiful," he said. "Where did you find that dress?"

She shrugged, "The thrift store downtown," she let her hand rest on her stomach. "It was the only thing that didn't make me look like a water balloon. My stomach's so puffy…"she sighed. "I can't believe I didn't notice all this sooner."

"You needed time," he said gently. "To accept the truth. It's okay…"

"I guess…we need to get in there," she sighed. "I hope I can flirt with Sam without barfing on him."

"You still feel sick?" he asked. "Maybe I should take you home."

"No," she insisted. "I told you…I'm fine. I can do this." She opened the car door, just as Elliot's phone beeped and he looked at it.

"Oh no…" he shook his head. "It's Teddy. He says he wants to talk. Needs to explain everything."

Olivia quickly slid back into the seat, "Where is he?" she asked.

"He says he's hiding out…some abandoned gas station on the edge of town," Elliot looked at her. "I have to go…I can get him to listen to me…"

"I'm going too," Olivia insisted. "I need to be there."

"No," Elliot argued. "Olivia, it is too dangerous. We both know he's armed. He's not thinking clearly. It isn't safe for you…think about the baby…I'm dropping you off at my apartment."

"I told you…I'm not even sure I'm having this baby Elliot," she argued. "But I do know I have to solve Brian's murder. He's dead because of me. I can't just go back to your apartment and wait. I _have_ to go."

"Liv…" he knew he wasn't going to win, but he couldn't help but try. "Think about this…you don't want to put that baby in danger…"

"I'm going," she insisted. "I'll be careful. Now drive…"

He took a deep breath, and headed down the road.

 **More on the way! (I'll try not to take too long)**


	9. Chapter 9

**I am so sorry it has been such a long time between posts. Life just gets in the way of my writing sometimes. I have no other excuse. I hope those of you who have stuck with me, in spite of my lack of posting, will like this latest update. At least it's a little longer for you. Enjoy!**

"This is it," Elliot said, putting the car in park behind the abandoned gas station. There was no sign of anyone and the place was dark. He looked at Olivia, sitting next him, mindlessly resting her hand on her stomach and he wanted more than anything to keep her from walking into whatever mess lay before them inside. "Liv…" he said again. "You ready?"

She looked at him, swallowing and trying to find her words. "I…" she sputtered, looking down at her hand. "Uhm…I don't know…"

"You don't have to come in," he said. "Really Liv…you don't have to."

"It's just…one of my detectives…she's four months pregnant and she didn't tell me forever, and I was so pissed when she did because all I could think of was that she put her child at risk," Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "And me…I don't even know if I'm having this baby yet…but…"

"You do know," he said with a weak smile. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be feeling like this." He looked at her hand gently protecting her unborn child and he put his carefully on top of it, "Stay in the car." And he opened the door and climbed out.

"El…" she called after him. "Be careful. If something seems off, I'm coming in."

"All right," he agreed, then he closed the car door and disappeared into the old, run down building.

Olivia opened her purse, glancing at her gun. "Why did I have to come out here dressed like this?" she sighed, sitting the purse in the driver's seat beside her and kicking off her heels. If she did have to go in and help Elliot, the shoes had to go. It hadn't been long when she heard the gunshots, followed by a blood-curdling scream, and it made her jump. She wasn't sure if it was Elliot or someone else, though she really didn't think it sounded like him. Something was wrong regardless, and she had to do something. She opened the car door, ready to run into the building, but before she could even grab her gun from her purse she felt something cold and hard press against the back of her head, and she froze, immediately flashing back to the horrific events that had occurred the last time someone held a gun to her head.

The color drained from her face and she thought she would pass out cold, almost wished she would so she wouldn't have to think as he killed her, and that was when Elliot ran out from behind the building screaming her name, "Olivia…don't…don't get out of the car…" but he was too late and he stopped in his tracks.

The man pushed the gun harder against her, and then put his arm around her neck to hold her in place. She couldn't see him, but she knew even before Elliot spoke his name, and her mind and body were filled with regret.

"Tucker…let her go," Elliot pleaded. "You don't need to do this. You already killed Brian…Teddy…" And Tucker took the gun off of Olivia and pointed it toward Elliot. "Just let her go…take me..."

"I'm going to kill you both," he sputtered, but his cool demeanor seemed to be dwindling as Olivia felt his body shake a bit. "You ruined everything…"

"I'm sorry…" Olivia felt the words choke up from her throat. "I didn't mean to hurt you…I know you warned me to stay away from Brian…"

"This isn't about you and that jackass!" He yelled, turning her around so she was staring into his face. "You really think I give a fuck about you screwing that piece of shit? He didn't die because of you…He died because he got himself too involved in my business. He should've stayed away when I told him too."

"Just let her go…" Elliot's voice quivered though it was apparent he was trying to sound calm and collected. He raised his gun slightly, "You won't get by with this. Don't make it worse."

"Worse?" Tucker snickered with an evil grin. "You made me kill my own son…"

"Your son?" Elliot gasped. "What are you talking about?"

He grabbed Olivia, tighter around the throat and she coughed trying to force herself to breathe while he pulled her face closer to his, "Teddy…was my son. _Mine_. And I had to kill him. Because of you two!" he screamed. "Damn you! Showing up here…getting in the middle of my business. Benson and Stabler to the rescue, huh? Well not this time. First Brian…and now you two…really, you'll never learn."

"Your son…Teddy?" Elliot shook his head in disbelief. "He was raised by a single mother. He didn't have a father…"

"I was his father!" Tucker screamed and Olivia felt his hand tighten even more and she thought she might pass out. "His fucking slut of a mother kept him from me. When he grew up, he came to New York to find me. Wanted to join the NYPD, but I couldn't have that. He wasn't going to be a good cop, I knew that. So I got him on down here and decided it would be a perfect way to get a little help with my side business." He could see the confusion on Elliot's face and laughed, "You don't even know, do you? The reason Cassidy was here?" He looked at Olivia, the color draining from her face and he loosened his grasp a bit, "Your boyfriend knew. He overheard something he shouldn't have…and he knew. I had to get rid of him…permanently."

"Knew what?" Olivia's voice rasped and her throat burned.

"About my side business…" Tucker's face contorted into a depraved grin. "Drugs and prostitution…my buddy Sam helps me through his club. This was the perfect location. Dumbass cops here wouldn't know a real crime if it bit them on the ass…and Teddy helped keep things under the wire. Got his girlfriend Penny a job there too so she could help keep things in line. Then fucking Cassidy puts his nose in my business, starts making calls, asking questions. Says he heard me on my private line talking about distributing drugs and trying to pinpoint where it was happening. So when I knew he had a pretty good idea, I sent him here. Told him I had information about a prostitution ring that could be traced back to New York, and I knew his dumbass would jump on it. Come here to try to prove he was right about me. He never knew how to stay out of trouble."

"And then you killed him," Olivia sputtered.

"I didn't," Tucker pushed the gun closer against her temple and turned her back so she was facing Elliot, his gun still drawn at them both. "Teddy did. Stupid kid…I told him to get rid of all evidence…and he left his fucking wallet. Then he tells me he wants to confess to the murder. I couldn't let my son confess to killing a cop...drag my name through the mud with him...so I had to kill him. I had no choice because of the two of you."

"Tucker…" Elliot cleared his throat. "Just let Olivia go. She didn't do this. I did. I'm the one who recognized Cassidy. I went to New York and started this."

"Yeah, you did…" Tucker's voice was clear and calm as he turned the gun back toward Elliot. "That's why I'm going to kill you…after you watch me kill her." Olivia felt his warm breath against her neck and his whispered in her ear, "You thought flirting with Sam would get you what you wanted? He called me the second you left. You stupid slut. You'll sleep with anything that moves, won't you? No wonder you let Cassidy knock you up!"

Olivia felt her body stiffen at his words. How did he even know she was pregnant? Had he been watching them this whole time? Suddenly she realized it didn't matter what she did, she wasn't getting out of there alive, and her mind wandered to thoughts of her son, growing up without her, of the child she was carrying that would never breathe its first breath and all she could do was take a chance now to save them both. Tucker was still whispering in her ear, feeling the way her body seemed to tense up against his and she looked at Elliot, his own gun pointed at them and she knew she had to take the risk. She raised her leg a bit, hoping the movement would go unnoticed, and swung around kicking Tucker with full force in the crotch, forcing him to double over from the pain and shock, releasing her from his grasp.

She ran toward Elliot, just as the first gunshot rang out from Tucker's gun. He wasn't a good shot when he was in so much pain, but Elliot grabbed her, pushing her to the ground as the second gun shot rang out, and she watched him fall next to her, blood oozing from his chest. "No…" she screamed, grabbing his gun from his hands and aiming at Tucker who was still doubled over as he let out shot after shot from his own gun, and she watched him fall to the dirt when the bullet hit him, dropping his own gun beside him. "El…" she cried, putting her hand over the bloody wound while he looked up at her with wide-eyes. "Don't die…please…don't die…"

"His…gun…" Elliot's voice was weak. "Get his gun…"

And she looked over at Tucker's body, knowing he was unconscious, but alive and she ran over and grabbed his gun from the ground, using all of her strength not to shoot him one final time. When she made her way back to Elliot, his eyes were closed and the blood was pooling around him. "Elliot…" she pleaded. "Please, wake up…" she cried. "Don't leave me…please…"

 **SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU**

Elliot opened his eyes, but everything was dark. He couldn't see anything but lights flashing around him, and the sound of beeping and buzzing let him know he was probably in the hospital. He'd been there enough times to recognize the signs, even though he couldn't think clearly yet. When he tried to move he couldn't. The pain was too intense and he heard himself let out an agonizing groan, but he couldn't make his mind remember what had happened.

Then she was there, standing over him a look of panic and grief on her face and he remembered. Tucker had shot him and had tried to kill Olivia too, but from the looks of things she was okay. "You're awake…" she forced a sad smile and put her hand gently against his forehead, like she was checking for a fever or something which seemed ridiculous when he was laying in bed with a gunshot wound to his chest. "I was scared…you were gone…"

"I'm fine…" his voice croaked and the sound surprised him. "How long…have I been here?"

"A couple of days," she said. "You were sedated, after they did surgery to remove the bullet. Do you remember what happened?"

He nodded, but it made his body throb so he stopped, "Tucker…" he tried to clear his throat to ease his voice, but that seemed to hurt as well. "Is he dead?"

She shook her head, "No, he's down the hall. Police are monitoring him and he's cuffed. I only shot him once, but it did some damage." She sighed, "El…I'm sorry. This is all my fault. If you hadn't pushed me out of the way…"

"Then you would be in this bed," he reminded her. "Or worse…" he didn't want her to feel guilty because saving her was the best thing he'd ever done. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Turn on the light…"

She reached up and clicked on the light above his bed, and he closed his eyes in response to the brightness. "Do you want me to turn it back off?" she asked.

"No,"he insisted, forcing his eyes open. "I want to look at you," he gave a weak smile when he saw her dressed in hospital scrubs, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. He could see the deep purple bruises on her neck where Tucker had held her and he wished he could shoot the asshole himself. "Are you all right, Liv?" he asked. "Your neck…" and then he remembered something else, "Oh God…the baby…"

"I'm fine," she promised. "We're fine." She let her hand rest gently on her stomach. "They did an ultrasound when the ambulance brought me in." She reached into the pocket of her scrubs and pulled out the fuzzy black and white photo and held it out for him to see.

"Wow," his voice cracked, this time more from emotion than from the fact that he hadn't spoken in days. "Liv…just wow…"

"You saved my baby, Elliot," she said tearfully. "I didn't even know if I wanted to keep it, and you almost died trying to protect us."

"I let you down before," he said seriously. "I will never do that again."

"I'm gonna have a baby," she sobbed. "Me…Olivia Benson…"

"Yeah, you are," he smiled. "And that baby is going to have the best mother ever." He took the ultrasound photo from her and looked at it more closely. "Did they tell you how far along you are?"

She nodded, "Yeah…thirteen weeks…" she admitted, embarrassed. She'd gone the entire first trimester without knowing she was pregnant. "I'm so stupid…"

"No you're not," he whispered, handing the photo back to her. "You were just scared…and you didn't see all the signs. You didn't want to believe it. But now you know, and you're gonna be ready for this little one in no time. At least the morning sickness should be over soon."

She laughed a little, "I haven't thrown up today at all." She sat in the chair next to his bed, "El…I don't know how to do this by myself. Two kids, my job…" she sighed. "I'm scared."

"I know," he said softly. "But don't doubt yourself. You can do it. I know you can." He closed his eyes and opened them, trying to fight the exhaustion that was overtaking his body. "How long before I can go home? I want to get out of here."

Olivia laughed, "It's gonna be a while." She said. "So keep your stubborn ass in that bed."

"I'm just tired," he insisted. "I'll be fine."

"Then get some sleep," she leaned forward, kissing him softly on the forehead and it surprised him, but he didn't let it show.

"You gonna be here when I wake up?" he asked.

"Yeah…" she promised. "I'm not going anywhere."

 **Two Months Later…**

Olivia flipped through the channels on the TV, stopping at an old black and white movie, and laying back on the sofa, wrapping herself in a blanket. She'd heard pregnant women were supposed to feel hot all the time, but lately she'd been freezing and the only thing that made her comfortable was a nice warm blanket. She felt her stomach rumble and flutter, and she wished her Chinese food would arrive. It seemed like she'd ordered it hours ago, but she knew it hadn't been more than twenty minutes. After she'd fed Noah and put him to bed she'd had the most intense craving for it, so she'd decided to go ahead and order it, even though she'd already had dinner and at her last appointment the doctor had cautioned her about her weight. She rubbed her hand carefully over the swell of her stomach, pulling the bottom of her shirt down and trying to force it to cover her completely, but it was a lost cause. "You are really doing a number on me, kiddo," she laughed.

The knock on the door forced her up off the couch and she pulled her shirt down more easily once she was standing. She walked across to the door, and grabbed some cash from her purse fully expecting the delivery guy, and shocked when she opened it to find Elliot standing there instead. "El…" she gasped. "What're you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," he smiled, glancing at the money in her hand. "Were you expecting someone else?"

"Uhm…yeah…Chinese food," she gave a sheepish grin, suddenly very aware of how much weight she'd put on since she last saw him. "I had to skip dinner earlier," she lied and she wasn't even sure why.

Elliot nodded, knowingly. "You look good. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," she insisted. "What about you? Are you healing?" The last time she'd seen him was the day he'd been released from the hospital and that was just a week after the shooting.

"I was cleared to go back to work last week," he said, motioning toward the door. "Do you think I could come in?" he asked.

"Oh…of course," she stepped back and let him inside. "I'm sorry. I was just surprised. I expected a random stranger with food, not you. Come in…" she walked over to the sofa. "Sit down." She sat down, grabbing her blanket and pulling it around her, as they heard the next knock. "Oh…" she sighed, but he stood up quickly.

"I got it," he said, walking to the door.

"My money is on the counter," she called after him, but she noticed him grab money from his wallet and hand it to the delivery person as he thanked him. He brought the bag over and handed it to her, "My treat," he said. "Gotta keep that little one happy and healthy, right?"

Olivia bit her lip, opening the bag, "You want some? There's plenty," she said, pulling the takeout containers from the bag and sitting them on the coffee table. "I bought extra…for lunch tomorrow…"

Elliot nodded, "It's okay," he smiled. "You don't have to make excuses. You're pregnant. Eat what you want. It's a perk."

She shook her head, "My doctor thinks I'm too fat. I'm already bigger than Rollins, and she's a month ahead of me," she looked at the containers of food calling her name. "Please…eat this with me so I don't feel so guilty."

"You're not too fat," he said, picking up the chop sticks and digging into one of the containers. "Doctors have to say things like that…so you won't want to sue him after the baby's born and you weigh 250 pounds."

"250 pounds?" Olivia gasped, dropping her own chop sticks on the table. "How big do you think I am?"

Elliot sat his food down next to hers and smiled gently, "I was just teasing. I'm sorry." Mentally kicking himself for the joke. He'd been around pregnant women enough to know better. "You need to eat…for your health the baby's. It's okay…"

She shook her head, "I ate dinner with Noah," she admitted. "I just…had this craving…and then I went overboard with the ordering…" she sighed. "I am gonna end up really fat, aren't I?"

"You're gonna end up with a beautiful, healthy baby," he promised. "And that's all that matters."

"You're right," she said, picking up the food and taking another bite. "The baby is the most important thing."

"Have you found out if it's a boy or a girl?" he asked.

Olivia thought back to her last appointment when she'd been asked if she wanted to know the sex of her baby. She'd said yes immediately, but once she knew the answer, everything felt so much more real…so much more frightening. This little person was a part of her, a part of Brian…and it _was_ a person, not just a bump that made her clothes feel tight. She decided then and there to keep the gender to herself for the time being. She didn't want anyone else to know right now, and she enjoyed her special bond with the baby. "Uhm…I do," she admitted. "But I don't want to share yet. It just feels like something special between me and the baby…I'm sorry…"

"It's completely okay," he smiled. "I'm glad you know. You can think of names…get things ready…"

"Yeah," she nodded. "The baby is healthy though. That's the important thing. A perfectly healthy baby."

"Good," he reached into his pocket and pulled something out. "Liv…the reason I'm here…"

"Oh right," she sat her food back on the table. "Why are you here? You said you wanted to see me…was there a reason? I thought you just wanted to visit."

"Of course I wanted to visit with you," he said. "But there's a little more. When I went back to work, I was going through some of the evidence from Brian's case…and I found this…" he held up a cell phone, the screen covered with shattered cracks. "They found his phone with some of Tucker's things. We assumed there wasn't much on it since we'd done the tracking and turned up nothing, but I decided to charge it and take a look, and I found something I thought you should see."

"What?" she asked, her face turning pale with worry.

He held the phone out to her. "I found this text. It was saved as a draft, so I know he never sent it. I think maybe he was writing it when they shot him…or maybe before and he wanted to reword it. I don't know, but it's for you and you need to read it. The screen is in bad shape, but you can still see it…read it."

Her hand shook as she took the phone from him. She looked at the screen and chills went up her spine as she thought about reading Brian's last words to her. For the past two months she'd wanted closure, and in her heart she knew she'd never get that, even now. She closed her eyes, not sure she could face what he had to say to her in the last moments before his death, when he didn't know what evil was in store for him…and knowing this was the last thing he'd ever say to her made it even harder. She'd never have another chance to know what his lasts thoughts of her were about, and she wasn't sure she was ready now. "I don't think I can read this," she sputtered, trying to force Elliot to take the phone back but he wouldn't. "El…I don't want to do this right now."

"Liv…please…read it," he reached out and put his hand gently on the swell of her stomach, even though he knew he had no right to, and he smiled at the warm patch of skin showing at the bottom of her too-small tank top. "Read it for your child," he said. "For _his_ child, Liv. He deserves to say good-bye."

She raised the phone and looked at it, trying to decipher the words through the cracked glass, and her eyes blurred with tears.

 _Babe, I'm sorry I had to get off the phone earlier. I wanted to talk more but I know I'm on the verge of solving this and I just want to finish things and get home. I hope you're feeling better. I've been thinking, you've been getting sick off and on for a while. I know you said you're not, but maybe you should take a pregnancy test. Just in case. I know I was a jerk before, but I promise you I won't be that way this time. I mean, having a baby isn't the worst thing that could happen to us. It might be good. It would be good. A little piece of each of us. I guess I'm saying if you're pregnant and you haven't told me because you're scared, well just tell me okay. I love you. I always have and I will love our baby. Heck, I already do and it might not even exist. God I sound ridiculous. If you're really not pregnant, I'm sorry for dragging all this out again, but if you are…just call me okay. I love you._

She looked up from the phone, tears streaming down her cheeks, "He knew?" she asked and Elliot nodded. "I didn't even know…and he knew." She cried. "He _wanted_ her, Elliot. He _loved_ her."

" _Her_?" Elliot asked with a slight grin.

Olivia's eyes widened at the realization that she'd just revealed her secret, "Yeah…it's a girl…and she's never going to know her daddy, but at least I can tell her he loved her, and it won't be a lie." She sobbed.

"He did love her…and he loved you," Elliot said softly. "I thought you needed to know that."He sighed, "And I guess this is how Tucker knew you were pregnant that night of the shooting. He probably read Cassidy's phone."

"Thank you," she reached out and hugged him tight, resting her head on his chest while he rubbed her back. When she pulled away, she looked at him "Do you have to go back tonight?" she asked. "Or do you want to sleep on my couch?"

He shrugged, "I can stay, if you don't mind."

She nodded, "I need to get to bed. I have an early meeting."

"Yeah, I heard you made Lieutenant. Congratulations," he smiled, standing to his feet and reaching out his hand to help her up.

She stood and looked him in the eye, "I thought it'd be great, but we're so short staffed and I'm pregnant, I have a pregnant detective…it's a mess."

"If you need someone," he offered. "I was thinking…I really miss New York and I could resign pretty easily, move back here…"

"I don't think that's a good idea," she admitted. "I know you mean well…but…"

"But what?" he asked. "It'll be good for us. I miss you and I know you miss me. We're partners."

"No," she shook her head. "We're not. Not anymore. We're not the same people, Elliot. You know that as well as I do."

"We are the same people," he argued. "Maybe we've been through a lot, but deep down…we're the same people we always were. We're friends…we need each other. I want to help you with the baby…with Noah. I don't want you to go through this alone."

"That's sweet," she said, forcing a sad smile. "But Elliot…I don't think we can just pick up where we left off. Too much has changed."

"Maybe we can't pick up where we left off," he agreed. "But we can start over. Please. Give me a chance. Let me be your friend again…and maybe we can work our way back to best friends."

"I don't know," she sighed, putting her hand to her stomach and grimacing a little.  
Oh…"

"What's the matter?" he asked nervously. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I just keep getting these little weird gas bubbles. Kind of like rumbles in my stomach. Sometimes I think it's gas and other times it feels more like a weird muscle thing…like fluttering…I should ask the doctor…" she said, noticing the grin spreading across his face. "What?" she asked.

"Liv…flutters?" he asked. "It's not gas…it's the baby…she's moving…"

"What?" she asked. "You think…"

"You're what? Twenty-one weeks?" he nodded. "I'm positive. Your little girl is just saying hi to her mommy."

"Oh my God," she gasped. "How could I not know that?" she cried. "What kind of mother am I?"

"Liv, you're a good mom," he insisted. "It's your first pregnancy. Everything is new. You'll learn as you go along." He put his hand on top of hers as she rubbed the swell of her stomach. "I'm glad you can feel her. It's amazing. Just wait til she kicks so hard you can feel it from the outside. It'll happen soon."

"I don't know if I can do this," she cried. "I miss Brian. He would've been a great dad, once he got used to everything. He would've rubbed my feet and my back, and gone out in the middle of the night to get me ice cream. He would've helped me pick her name, and put together her little bassinet and…" she sobbed. "I don't know how to do this by myself."

He pulled her close and let her cry, "You are not by yourself," he promised.

 **More soon (sooner than last time, I hope)**


	10. Chapter 10

**LAST CHAPTER!**

 **It is kind of hard to say good-bye to this one, as it has helped me through some trying times lately. Funny how a fanfic can be theraputic for you, and how it can hurt to let it go. This might be my shortest story ever...only ten chapters...but I never intended it to be very long.**

 **Anyway, I hope this ending is all you've been hoping for. Enjoy, and leave a review if you want to make me happy. :)**

 **Fourteen Weeks Later…**

Elliot was alone in the squad-room, having agreed to stay as the rest of the gang left to visit Detective Rollins and her new baby boy at the hospital. Elliot smiled thinking about how he and Olivia had gone over the lunch hour to see the little guy, Daniel Murphy Rollins, and how Olivia's eyes had widened when she saw the baby. She'd been sure her former partner Nick Amaro was the child's father, but looking at the 8 pound boy with red hair and green eyes convinced her she was wrong. He couldn't help but grin as she held the tiny boy, cradling him in her arms against her own baby bump and then tearfully handing him back to his mother. On the way home she'd said she had felt an overwhelming sense of concern for the younger detective and her new son, though Elliot suspected she was feeling overwhelmed at the impending arrival of her own child. No matter how much he tried to help her, she seemed to push him away, and she'd dealt with most of the pregnancy on her own.

He looked up from his desk as Olivia pushed open her office door and walked slowly to the vending machine in the corner of the room. The strain of the pregnancy weight forced her steps to resemble more of a waddle than a walk, and even though he felt terrible for her suffering, he couldn't help but smile a little. She was so big, much bigger than he ever would have imagined, but it had been a difficult pregnancy and in spite of the fifty some pounds she'd put on he thought motherhood looked beautiful on her. The doctor had diagnosed her with gestational diabetes, which seemed to contribute to the weight gain, and the baby was bigger than average as well, so Olivia was struggling with appropriate food choices and Elliot knew it wasn't easy for her, so he didn't take it upon himself to remind her that food from the vending machine wasn't a wise choice. She took her time deciding what to buy, and then slipped the change into the slot and pushed the button, bending over to pick up the bottle of water she'd purchased, and letting her hand rest on her back as she stood up again. Elliot nodded approvingly at her choice, then watched her as she opened the bottle and took a sip, noticed as she moved her hand to her side while her face contorted with an uncomfortable look and she exhaled slowly. He'd seen the same look a few times throughout the day, but when they'd been at the hospital visiting Rollins she'd sworn to him she was fine. Now he wasn't so sure, but he knew if he asked she'd be stubborn and refuse his help again.

He stood up and walked over to her, and he knew she was startled by the way she jumped when he put his hand on her shoulder. "Elliot," she gasped. "Why are you still here? Go home."

"I'm just finishing up some paperwork," he explained. "Are you doing okay? You want me to give you a ride home?"

She shook her head no and took another sip of her water, "I have a lot of work to finish up," she sighed, walking back into the squad-room while he trailed behind her.

"Don't you have to get home to Noah?" he asked, hoping she'd agree to go home and rest. She didn't look good and he was worried about her.

"No, actually," she gave a slight smile. "He is spending the night with Brian's mom…out in Brooklyn." She cringed a little and rubbed her hand over her stomach, exhaling again with slow even breaths.

"Brian's mom…really?" he asked. "How's that going?"

"Pretty good surprisingly," Olivia sat her water down on the table and leaned against the door. "She took me to Lamaze the past few weeks. She wants to be a part of our family…and I owe her that much. I mean, I never thought she liked me much when Brian and I were dating, but she's excited to be a grandma and she includes Noah just as much as this baby…and we need a family too, you know. So why not let her?"

"So, she's gonna be there…when you have the baby?" he asked, feeling a bit relieved because he was sure she was going to try to go through labor and delivery all on her own. So far she'd refused to let anyone accompany her to doctor's appointments, ultrasounds…anything. At least if Brian's mom was there she wouldn't have to face giving birth alone.

"I mean she wants to, so…" Olivia closed her eyes as her voice trailed off and Elliot rushed to her side.

"Liv…" he said. "I think we should get you home."

"Elliot, I told you…I'm fine," she groaned, pushing open her office door and walking to her desk, lowering herself slowly into her chair and opening up her laptop. "You go home. There are plenty of unis here and I can call Fin or Carisi back if something comes up. Go home…" She put her hand back on her stomach, pushing slightly.

"Liv…is she moving a lot," he asked nervously. "Because you don't look like you feel well, and I'm not leaving unless you come with me."

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Elliot…I'm fine…she's fine…" she sighed. "I'm huge and I'm 36 weeks pregnant. I have aches and pains and I'm exhausted. It's perfectly normal. Why do you worry so much?"

"Because, you're in pain, and you're in denial," he said. "Out in the squad-room, you couldn't finish your sentence about Brian's mom coming to the hospital because of the pain. I'm right, aren't I?"

She bit her bottom lip, "The baby's just all over the place," she explained. "And when she gets like that…I have contractions…but they're not real ones...just Braxton Hicks. I'd know if it was something to worry about."

"I'd feel better if we went to the hospital," he argued. "Just to let them check on you…and her…"

"No," she insisted. "I'm fine. I'm tired, but I'm fine. I'll go home…will that make you happy?"

"Only if you let me drive you," he looked out the window behind her desk. "It's raining."

Olivia rolled her eyes, "Fine…you can drive me home, but then you go. All right? I'm okay, but I'm tired and if I have a night away from Noah I'd love to just sleep."

"We'll see how you're feeling when we get there," he said, grabbing her coat and helping her into it.

"You don't give up, do you?" she sighed, as she walked toward the door.

"Never," he winked at her.

"It's getting icy," Olivia said, looking at the rain that had turned to sleet as she climbed into the car. "I hope the roads aren't bad."

"Yeah," Elliot agreed, starting the car and pulling out onto the road. "At least we're not far from your place."

"True…" she said, her hand caressing her stomach as she bit her lip nervously. "Mmm…" she moaned, trying to keep the sound from escaping her lips and failing. She scrunched up her face and tried to breathe through the pain, as Elliot pulled the car over to the curb.

"Liv…" he put one hand on hers and used the other to rub her shoulder until the pain passed. "You all right?" he asked, and she nodded without speaking. He brushed the hair back from her face, staring at the fear in her eyes, "We're going to the hospital," he said and she knew better than to argue.

He'd tried to time her contractions on the way to the hospital, but the icy road conditions and the fact that she was trying to pretend like she wasn't actually in labor made it difficult. He could only estimate, but with the roads getting bad it had taken over an hour to get to the hospital, and he knew she'd had at least five contractions in that time, possibly more that she'd kept under wraps. "You ready?" he asked, walking over to her side of the car and opening the door.

"No…" she sputtered. "I can't have her yet. It's too early."

"It's not that early," he promised. "She wants to meet her mommy."

"I'm not ready," Olivia argued as he pulled her from the car seat and helped her walk toward the entrance. "Maybe they'll stop the contractions?" she suggested hopefully.

"Maybe they will," he offered, though he was sure they wouldn't. She was going to have that baby, ready or not.

"Ohhh," Olivia stopped, bending a little to ease the pain and then gasping as her eyes widened, "El…"

"You're okay," he assured her. "Just breathe…"

"El…" she cried. "My water just broke," she looked down at the puddle forming at her feet. "Nooo…"

"It's all right," he said, holding her tighter as he guided her toward the door. "Let's go have a baby."

 **Two Hours Later…**

Elliot was in the waiting room, flipping through magazines. His blood pressure was through the roof and he could feel it rising with each passing second. Olivia was in labor…she was having a baby…and she'd banished him to the waiting room, choosing instead to go through the contractions alone until Brian's mom could arrive. He'd been shocked, to say the least, but it was even worse when she'd told him to just go home and she'd call him later. He wasn't leaving, no matter what she said, but it hurt more than he'd ever imagined. He tossed the magazine aside, "Dammit Olivia," he cursed, standing to his feet and pacing back and forth in the waiting room like a father-to-be in a 1950s movie.

"Mr. Stabler?" he turned and saw a young nurse staring at him. "Are you Elliot Stabler? The one who brought in Olivia Benson?" she asked, and he rushed over to her.

"Is Olivia okay," he asked. "Did she have the baby already?"

The woman gave a gentle smile, "She's doing fine…no baby yet, but she asked me to come find you. It's getting harder, and she said she wants you. Do you feel comfortable coming back?" Elliot didn't take time to answer, dashing off toward the door, and the nurse followed after him.

He stood in the doorway and watched as an older nurse with gray hair and Winnie the Pooh scrubs helped Olivia breathe through her latest contraction. Olivia's face was pale, frightened and he waited for her breathing to steady and the contraction to let up before lightly tapping on the door. She turned to look at him, and he smiled, "You want some company?" he asked, and she nodded tearfully. He walked over to the bed, and sat in the chair next to her. "You're doing great. The nurse said so."

She shook her head, "I'm scared…I can't do this."

"Yes you can," he assured her. "I know it's scary, but you're going to meet your little girl soon, and that's a reason to stick with it." He smiled. "Brian's mom should be here before too long. I'll stay in the waiting room with Noah and she can help you through the contractions, but I want to stay with you until she gets here. Okay?"

Olivia shook her head, and at first he though she was going to send him back to the waiting room, but she didn't. "She's not coming," she sobbed. "The roads are too bad. She tried, but she just called and said it's really icy and she's scared to make the drive, especially with Noah…" she sniffled. "So I told her to just stay home and keep safe. She went to Lamaze with me…I need her…"

"I'm here," Elliot promised. "And I've been to a Lamaze class or two in my day," he smiled.

"I didn't want you to see me like this," she cried.

"You asked the nurse to come get me," he reminded her. Then he took her hand and held it, feeling her grip tighten as another contraction overtook her body. "Breathe…" he reminded her and she panted through the pain until she was finally able to release her grasp on his hand, and he brushed her hair back from her face, "See…we can do this." He smiled.

"I'm sorry El," she sighed, breathlessly. "For making you stay in the waiting room before. I was just scared and I didn't want to push you into a role you weren't ready for…that neither of us are ready for…"

"Who says I'm not ready?" he asked. "That _we're_ not ready?" He leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead. "Let's not worry about any of that, okay? Let's just focus on getting this baby girl into the world…nothing else matters right now."

"Okay," Olivia nodded tearfully. "Thank you…"

"I don't need thanks," he whispered. "I just need to be here."

An hour later they were walking the halls of the maternity ward, at Elliot's insistence. He was sure it would help move labor along more quickly and Olivia was so miserable she'd given in just to try to speed things along. "El…" she gasped, stopping and leaning against the wall, but he grabbed her and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Lean into me," he insisted. "It will help. Breathe…" The contractions were getting stronger, and lasting longer, and he wanted to comfort her as much as possible. "You're doing great…" he encouraged her. "So great, Liv…it's almost over…"

"I'm tired…" she moaned, coming out of the contraction and letting her body fall limp against his. "I need to lay down…Elliot…Please…"

"Okay…" he rubbed her back and let her rest for a minute. "The contractions are getting really close together. Let's get you back to your room…" but before they could make it a few steps another contraction left her unable to move or speak. "It's okay…" he said gently. "Put your palms against mine and push, hard, I won't let you fall. Just push into me and breathe…" and as much as she wanted to yell at him for telling her what to do, she didn't know what else to try so she did as he said, and it did help a little.

When the pain finally eased a little, she gasped, "My room…now…" and he helped her as quickly as he could back to the room and into bed.

A few hours later, Elliot was standing behind her, holding her body upright while she pushed with all her strength. "Come on…you're doing it…" he said as she grunted and pushed even harder. "I can see her head…look at her hair..." and tears filled his eyes because no matter how many times he'd seen a baby come into the world, the beauty of it never ceased to amaze him. "She's so pretty…" he said, and Olivia pushed one more time, digging her nails into his skin as her daughter slipped out from her body and into the world.

The doctor held the baby up, and Olivia tried to catch her breath, staring in awe at her new daughter. "Is she okay?" she asked. "She's so little…" she turned to Elliot, "I thought they said she was gonna be big...isn't she too little?"

"She looks perfect," the doctor smiled, "Do you want to cut the cord?" he asked, looking at Elliot, and he wasn't sure how to answer.

"Uhm…" Elliot stumbled over his words, but Olivia interrupted him.

"It's okay…" she whispered. "You can…if you want to…" So he cut the baby's umbilical cord and the doctor placed the squirming, crying little girl on her mother's chest. "Oh my God…"Olivia's voice quivered, "Look at her…" she cried. "She's perfect…"

"Yeah," Elliot looked at Olivia, cuddling her new daughter and the love he felt for both of them was overwhelming. "She looks like her mama."

Olivia kissed the baby's wet head and held her close. "I love her…" she looked at Elliot. "So much. I can't believe I almost…that I didn't want her…"

"No…" Elliot stopped her. "Don't do that to yourself. You've loved her from the second you knew about her, Liv. She knows that…"

Olivia nodded, letting her tears stream down her cheeks. "Thanks…for helping us…I couldn't have done it on my own…"

"Thanks for letting me be here," he smiled, running his finger along the baby's soft pink cheeks. "So, does this little beauty have a name?" he asked.

Olivia nodded, "Her name's Cassidy," she said softly. "Cassidy Brianne Benson." She smiled, "I think I'm gonna call her Cass. It suits her, don't you think."

"Yeah…" he smiled. "Welcome to the world, Little Cass," he leaned over and kissed the tiny girl on the cheek.

 **The Next Morning…**

Light was shining through the window when Olivia opened her eyes. She was sore, and it hurt to move, but she forced herself to sit up and glanced over at the baby's isolette, only to find it empty. She was ready to panic when she turned her head to the other side of the room and saw Elliot, sound asleep in the recliner with the baby resting comfortably on his chest. She smiled instinctively, watching him comfort and protect her daughter, the way he'd always been there for her, and she bit her lip while she took in the sight, not wanting to wake them, but longing to hold her precious child again.

"Elliot…" she said softly, and he opened his eyes and looked at her.

"When did you wake up?" he asked, sitting up straight and cradling the baby in his arms.

"Just now," she smiled, "Was she crying…and I didn't hear her?"

Elliot shook his head, "No…not really. She was just fussing a little, and you needed some sleep. She just needed to feel the warmth of someone close to her. It's kind of scary out here in the cold, harsh world." He looked down at the sleeping baby and smiled. "I hope you don't mind…"

"No, I don't mind," Olivia smiled. "But can I have her back now…I miss her…"

Elliot laughed, "You don't have to miss her. She's right here," he stood up and walked over to the bed, placing the baby in her mother's arms. "She's gorgeous, Liv. God, she's so perfect."

Olivia nodded, "Yeah, I think so too." She felt her eyes welling up with tears. "I can't believe she's mine."

"Well she is," he smiled, "All yours." He sat next to her on the bed and brushed the hair out of her face, kissing her gently on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you. I know this wasn't easy…doing all this by yourself…but you got her here safe and sound."

She leaned her head against his chest, "I wasn't by myself," she sighed. "You were always there. I'm sorry I didn't let you in more. I've been so scared…afraid of all of this…hell, I still am."

"I know," he agreed. "But I'm not going anywhere, Liv."

"I think she looks like Brian," Olivia said gently. "I mean…she has my dark hair, but her eyes are his." She looked up at him, "I can't pretend like he isn't her father, Elliot. It wouldn't be right. She should know."

He nodded, "Just because I'm not her biological father…doesn't mean I can't love her. You love Noah, right…"

"That's different and you know it," she argued.

"No…it's not," Elliot insisted. "Olivia…I love you. And I love Cass and Noah too. I'm not saying we have to jump into anything. I know right now you need to focus on the baby…on your son…on your family…" he sighed. "I'm just saying…that I love you…all of you…and I'm gonna be here."

"I love you too," she whispered, just as the door opened and Noah ran across the room, with Brian's mom trailing behind him, holding flowers and pink balloons.

"Mama…" Noah squealed, rushing to the bed and trying to climb up, so Elliot picked him up and sat him in his lap. "Baby…" the little boy said is awe.

"This is your little sister, Noah," Olivia said, taking her son's hand and kissing it softly before placing it on the baby's chest. "You're a big brother."

"Ohhh…let me see my granddaughter," Brian's mother said, sitting the flowers on the nightstand. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here…" she said tearfully, and Olivia handed the baby to her. "She's beautiful," the older woman cried. "She looks like Brian when he was a baby…" she held the baby close, sniffing in her new baby scent. "Does she have a name yet?"

Olivia reached over and grabbed Noah from Elliot, eager to help her son feel loved and comfortable in the presence of his new sibling. "Her name's Cassidy Brianne," she said softly.

The woman's eyes widened, "Thank you for that…" she leaned forward and hugged Olivia close. "He'd be so proud of his little girl…and of you. I want you to know that."

"I do," Olivia forced a sad smile. "I know he loved us."

Later that night, Brian's mother had left for home, promising to come back the next day to help Olivia get settled at home with the baby and Noah was asleep in the recliner, while Elliot changed the baby's diaper and brought her to her mother. "You're gonna have to put her back in her little bed," he said gently. "She's gonna be spoiled."

"Says the man who held her all night," Olivia chuckled.

"Well she was brand new then," he teased. "And now she's almost a whole day old."

Olivia laughed, "El…about earlier…when you said you loved us…"

"I meant it," he said seriously.

"I know," she nodded. "And I meant it too. I do love you, but everything is so complicated right now…"

"I know that too," he agreed. "And I meant it when I said you need time to focus on Cass and Noah. No pressure, Liv. Okay? I'm here…regardless…"

"Thank you…" she whispered.

"I should take Noah over to Fin's," Elliot said, standing to his feet. "He said he'd watch him until morning when you get released. That way I can stay here and help you with the baby."

"You don't have to," she insisted. "I mean, Cass and I will be fine alone."

"You are tired and sore," he reminded her. "And you need some sleep. You're gonna let me help."

"Okay…" she gave in, as he gently woke up Noah and she gave him a kiss good-night. The nurse walked in, just as they were leaving and Olivia stopped them, "Wait, El…" she called and he turned back around. She looked at the nurse, handing the woman her phone from the nightstand, "Do you mind? I'd really love a picture of all of us before my son has to leave."

"No, of course not," the woman smiled as Elliot sat Noah on the bed next to his mother and sister. "All right, Daddy…you can either sit and hold the big brother or stand behind them," she smiled.

Elliot wasn't sure how to respond, but he didn't have to, because Olivia did instead. "Why don't you sit here and hold Noah," she suggested, and he smiled and nodded. The nurse snapped a couple of pictures, and Olivia kissed Noah good-bye once more and watched as Elliot carried him out the door.

The nurse checked her vitals and checked on the baby, "You have a lovely family," she said with a gentle smile.

"Yeah, I do…" Olivia agreed with a smile. "I've never felt so blessed in all my life. I love them all, so much. I don't know what I'd do without any of them," she held her daughter close, and let her nurse, feeling a bond like no other. The nurse left them alone, and Olivia looked down at her daughter, who was staring back at her with wide-eyes. "You have so many people who love you, Cassidy" she whispered. "You're one lucky girl," she sighed, "We both are." And for the first time in a long time, Olivia Benson was at peace.

 **THE END**

 **(Thanks for taking the time to read my random thoughts. I hope you enjoyed it.)**


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